dcistgohome

It Looks Like They Finally Got Something Right... Kinda

2008-06-12T14:09:00.002-04:00

Like, OMG! It looks like DCist finally got something right. Sisqo and Dru Hill, which DCist refers to as “rappers,” (aw), among other Hip Hop personalities from yesteryear were in D.C. for some benefit or something to raise awareness about royalties... or something. Whatever. But here is the shocker, DCist acknowledged that these acts were in from out of town and didn’t pretend that they were from their area or some other bullshit.

It's not everyday that The Sugarhill Gang, Sisqo, and Dru Hill are hanging around a party at a house in D.C.'s Chinatown. The artists were in town yesterday to lobby...

Wow. You’re growing, DCist. I’m proud of you. Or maybe you didn’t know. I’ll just give you the benefit of the doubt.

P.S. Whoever that is in the first photograph really doesn’t look like DJ Spin, but tell him I like his hat anyway.

Know of What You Type

2008-05-05T10:07:00.001-04:00

Joining the National Symphony Orchestra this week is one of my favorite soloists, Baltimore-born violinist Hilary Hahn...

Um, well, no, actually she wasn’t. Never mind that being bred, born or raised in Baltimore is no more contextually relevant to a D.C. media outlet than being bred, born or raised in Seattle or Timbuktu, what is it about about Baltimore that causes Washingtonians to turn off their internal fact-checkers? Why is it that they are lazier about Baltimorean facts than they are either with their own market or markets with which they don’t presume to have an association?

Trust me, I’m no classical music expert. I’ve never heard of Hilary Hahn. But I do know how to read the first words in a biographical sketch. So when I looked up her bio, all of her bios, in fact, in every available online media source, from her personal web page to wikipedia, I was actually a little surprised to see that they all started with these words: “Hilary Hahn (born November 27, 1979 in Lexington, Virginia) is an American violinist,” or some other introductory equivalent. She didn’t move to Baltimore until she was three years old. Three years is a long time. Three years is probably longer than the time the average DCist contributor has spent in Washington D.C.

I have no doubt that if Charles Downey had been writing about someone from Washington, he would have double checked before saying he or she was Washington born. If such-and-such was from Pittsburgh, and for some reason Charles Downey felt the need to mention that, I’m sure he would have double checked as well. But, for whatever reason, when the word ‘Baltimore’ pops into the head of a Washingtonian, something clicks in their brains that tells them they already know everything, and that fact checking is unnecessary.

And to be fair, it isn’t just DCist. Even the Washington Post fucks up all the facts when writing an article that has something/anything to do with Baltimore, and the Washington Post is probably the newspaper in this world that is least likely to bugger up facts, in their own market and the national and international markets as well. It’s as though they have two separate fact checking departments, local and not-local. When an article about Baltimore is being written, nobody can decide which department is responsible and nobody ends up checking that facts. Of course, I’m sure that isn’t the cause, and it’s just a simple matter of people thinking they know what they are talking about when they in fact don’t know shit.

Not knowing shit is not the end of the world. I personally don’t know shit about a great many things in this world; but not knowing shit and thinking you know everything is a pretty revolting and obnoxious character trait, which probably is what makes is it so distinctly Washingtonian... at least in relation to its neighbor to the north. So Washington, do yourselves a favor, when you write about us just check your facts. Pretend we’re Portland. Trust me, you know as much about Portland as you know about us.

And "Maryland Cookies" Too...

2008-04-13T11:41:00.002-04:00

What The Eff?!

Pretty amusing post at DCist singing the praises of Maryland’s “Maryland Fried Chicken,” in one of those ‘just over the border’ pieces.

Nothing says picnic to us like a bucket of fried chicken, but next time you get a craving for that batter-fried goodness, consider instead the deep south’s delicious and elusive cousin: Maryland Fried Chicken.

Um... DOESN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH MARYLAND.” I guess that’s why it is so darned “elusive.”

Have you ever heard of English Muffins? NOT ENGLISH. Same sort of deal.

It’s funny how the restaurants marketing this Marylandless Maryland fried chicken are all just a metro ride away from D.C., as though they are selling their product to Washingtonians and inside-the-beltway “Marylanders” who think they are eating authentic Maryland cuisine.

So, how long will it be before DCist writes a post talking about how much they love Maryland Cookies? There’s no such thing as those either, by the way.

Are you even writing DCist from America? Because I’m finding it difficult to believe that you’re writing it from land that we gave you.

Alternate Realities

2008-03-13T10:43:00.005-04:00

Sommer Mathis, in classic Sommer Mathis fashion, has cryptically linked to a thread that she found pleasantly amusing by being insulting towards Baltimore.

>> "We are told that Homicide is based on a non-fiction book by Wire scribe David Simon. And we, ourselves, live in the same world as David Simon. Which means that we are all, every one of us, the fantasy of an autistic child." [DCeiver]

“Huh,” I thought to myself. Why the eff is she linking to this? So I followed. What it lead to was a convoluted joke argument explaining, how, as the final episode of St. Elsewhere it is revealed that the entire series was the dream of an autistic child, every show that has some link, via fictional universe crossovers, also does not exist. As Homicide has a direct link, and was based on the experiences of David Simon, he too does not exist. Reality as we know it, is fiction, etc., etc...

What, you ask, is the purpose of all this? Ah, yes, the final punchline. Wait for it...

“All I know, is that this means Baltimore doesn't exist, we've all a reason to feel relieved.”

HAR. Good one. Very clever. For better or for worse, we live in a reality that is not effected by fictitious paradoxes. We all live in the real world, where, for better or for worse, Baltimore is a very real place, and WASHINGTON D.C. IS THE FAKE IMAGINARY CITY THAT DOESN’T REALLY EXIST. But I can completely understand why you Washingtonians would prefer an alternate reality where Baltimore doesn’t exist, where the city you call home isn’t make believe, and where Washington actually has a cultural relevance outside the context of federal government.

In this alternate reality, there are only 3 global cities: Washington D.C., Canberra and Brasilia, and Star Trek is evil and all the actors have goatees.

Washington should totally create a website devoted to this alternate reality. It would be a blog version of Second Life. Oh wait. It already exists. It’s called DCist. Let's see - pretending that Baltimore is culturally irrelevant. Check. Pretending that Washington D.C. is culturally relevant and not just some place where politicians park their penises in whores in hotels, or in the asses of constitutants in real states. Check.

Oh. Wait a second. I just remembered. David Simon isn’t from Baltimore. He was born in Washington D.C. Maybe they’re right. Maybe he really is fake. His birth would certainly support the thesis. After all, how can a real person be born in a fake city? It isn’t possible. Do Washingtonians dream of electric sheep?

I'll Be in Baltimore Tonight on the Amtrak

2007-12-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

Last week, DCist blasted some serious gas in the elevator.

So here is the context. Tamil/Brit international superstar M.I.A., for at least the past year or so, has been gravitating closer and closer towards Baltimore club music and has incorporated B-more beats into many of the tracks for her second studio album, Kala, named after her mother. These tracks, often originally produced with Diplo, who himself has been gravitating towards Baltimore club for an even longer time, have been remixed recently by Baltimorean B-more club producer, Blaqstarr, to give them an even heavier B-more club sound, adding rhymes from 16 year old Baltimorean B-more club/rap lady wunderkind, Rye Rye.

M.I.A., Blaqstarr, Rye Rye and God only knows how many other Baltimoreans join together for an international tour in support of the album. M.I.A., in city after city, following proper etiquette when riding bareback on Baltimore beats and sharing the stage with a bunch of Baltimorean artists, gives shoutouts to Baltimore, throughout the tour.

In city after city, why M.I.A. is giving shoutouts to Baltimore is not lost on the audience, as just about everyone familiar with these genres enough to be a M.I.A. fan know exactly what Baltimore club is and what it sounds like. After all, Baltimore club is the latest musical tsunami taking over the dance music scene, and has been for over a year now.

Unfortunately, nobody bothered to call DCist and give them the 411 on the 410 or M.I.A.’s recent work. Last week, the tour arrived to a sold out show at the 9:30 Club. DCist’s jazz critic, Sriram Gopal, reviewed the show:

”M.I.A. came on stage with guns blazing, opening with “Bamboo Banga” off her latest release, Kala, and then charged through a 90 minute set along with her D.J., backup singers, and other assorted guests, including a child, a "'90s baby" as M.I.A. called her, who had some serious moves... If there was a flaw in her stage presence, it was that at points she addressed the crowd as if she was playing in Baltimore, where she is playing tonight.”

DER!!!!

Sriram, I know that you’re a big O’s fan, and I don’t want to be too hard on you over this. Besides, you’re the jazz critic and this is not the genre of your expertise, but what in God’s name were you or DCist thinking when the decision was made that you were the one that was qualified to cover this show? Was it the Desi thing? That’s pretty weak. I can only hope that the majority of the audience was not as oblivious as to what was going on as you, but judging from the comments there were at least a few that were as lost there as you there. I can assure you, M.I.A. was not confused as to what city she was in. She was not giving Hello Wisconsin's to the audience, she was paying tribute to the music and the other artists. Believe me, she is more than a little familiar with Baltimore. Here is a M.I.A. quote from a Fact Magazine interview describing her efforts to bring Baltimore club to the children of Chennai:

”The only western music that the kids have to go on, that they try to replicate or imitate, what they think is cool, is like 10 years behind. They’re still living off jungle and stuff, and just about getting garage. So…when I was over there I started hanging out with them, and introduced them to Baltimore club and other stuff.”

Here is an even more interesting quote from the same interview where M.I.A. explains how many of the tracks from Kala were inspired by Baltimore and her time spent in Baltimore:

“But other tracks, like ‘Paper Planes’ is totally me being in Baltimore and working with Blaqstarr - it’s inspired by being in Baltimore, and everyone being on the grind, on the hustle.”

The entire world knows what is going on here. D.C. is the only place in the world where there is a presumption that you are supposed to ignore Baltimore. M.I.A. isn’t from D.C. She doesn’t suffer from the same affliction. The rest of the world does not turn their noses up at the mention of the city of Baltimore. Here is a video of Rye Rye dancing in New York. If you listen very carefully, you might hear a subtle reference or two to Baltimore. If you’ll notice, the audience doesn’t seem to be disgusted by the mention of the city:

This explains why all art out of Baltimore, whether it is Baltimore club, or Wham City, or Dan Deacon, or literature, or film or whatever will be categorically ignored by the Washington media until either the New York Times or the Village Voice comes out and says it is okay to pay attention to something/anything from Baltimore, at which point D.C. will say “Oh yeah, that’s our back yard. That’s OUR thing.” No it isn’t. It’s a Baltimore thing, and the two obviously have nothing to do with one another. And this is why it is not okay for DCist to claim Baltimore as being under their purview. I don't care how geographically close we are.

Not That Anybody Really Cares About Classical Music Agendas or Anything...

2007-09-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

I typically give Charles Downey all the latitude he needs when he chooses to cover the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, due to that whole BSO @ Strathmore thingy in Bethesda/Rockville/White Flint/Whatever.

Unfortunately, he made mistake in terminology this weekend. Generally, when people want to pretend that Baltimore and Washington share a market, the correct terminology is “Baltimore-Washington Area.” Some wikipedia geek did the research and this was the results:

Washington radio stations often put Baltimore first - did a quick Google seach - Baltimore-Washington gets 5,230,000 hits (2,080,000 if I screen out BWI and Wikipedia references), Washington-Baltimore gets 667,000. Kmusser 18:21, 25 July 2006 (UTC

Yet, DCist predictably makes the mistake of referring to the pretend shared market as "Washington-Baltimore."

Are Washington’s insecurities so overwhelming that they really have to make up names to make them feel better about themselves? Does pretending Washington comes before Baltimore in the name for the imaginary market put Baltimoreans in their place or something?

Also, if DCist is covering classical music for both Baltimore and Washington, why isn’t DCist covering Baltimore sports? Why isn’t Baltimore art being covered? Why isn’t baltimore food being covered? Why isn’t Baltimore’s other music genres being covered? In those instances when DCist does touch on these issues, why are they treated as the happenings of a far off exurb to a lesser, younger, smaller city? Why aren’t Baltimoreans writing these posts? And for that matter, why is the name “DCist” used when it is wrong for covering both markets, even if and when someone wants to pretend that the two markets are one?

You see, this is exactly what those assholes shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Predictably Called Out...

2007-08-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

And predictably responding in kind, in precisely the manner I said I would last week.

How is it, after a founding contributor explicitly stated that it is contrary to DCist policy to treat Baltimore as being under your local purview, that today you feel justified to include a photograph of a Baltimorean landmark, in a neighborhood that it is unlikely that you’ve ever heard of, in a feature that is ostensibly supposed to be about Washington D.C.?

Is it that you’ve decided to change your policy? Are Baltimorean professional sports teams now going to receive equal coverage to your own sports teams? Or any coverage at all? Or are you too good to cover the sports teams supported by our common, working class ilk?

Oh look, and you’re covering Bengie’s now too. In the very next post, even. How adorable. It's funny how these Baltimorean posts always come in clusters with you. But I guess this is no longer an issue, as obviously you are effectively declaring that a minimum of at least 33% of your material is guaranteed to be centric to the Baltimorean metropolitan area. That's right, a minimum of 33% of Baltimorean local music... 33% of Baltimorean local dining... 33% of Baltimorean local everything else... except sports, of course. You're going to give us 50% of that. After all, anything less would be exploitive, wouldn't it? But I don't need to explain that to you anymore. Obviously, we're all one big happy family now, right?

When do you plan to make the big announcement that you are changing your name to BaltimoreandDCist.com? When are you going to introduce your Baltimorean editorial staff? Wow. It is a big day for the GothamistLLC, isn’t it? Two separate cities are going to receive equal editorial standing on a single Ist page. What a bold and clumsy experiment it will be.

Forgive Us Today...

2007-08-24T13:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, there was some debate in DCist about a neglect of Nationals baseball and excessive soccer coverage or something. Whatever. Not really my fight. I’m barely aware of the existence of a professional D.C. soccer team. I don’t shun professional soccer the way I shun the NHL or the NBA (two leagues who insist that Baltimore is not allowed to have a team presence due to our proximity to D.C., so eff ‘em. They’re not getting one penny of my income or one ounce of my attention.), but I guess I just never caught the soccer bug in my suburban youth. We were about the authentic mullets back then, not those bitch-ass soccer mullets, but that is really beside the point. Either way, I don’t follow Washington sports.

Regardless, somebody chimed in during the discussion that the DCist wasn't adequately covering sports for an area that has two NFL teams, two MLB teams, blah blah blah...

DCist contributor and “founding member,” Kyle Gustafson responded thusly:

“We only have one NFL team and one MLB team in Washington D.C. Other than the occasional Orioles piece, we've never covered any of the teams in Baltimore and we're not going to start now.”

Obviously, I’m not going to disagree with him. I couldn’t agree more with his position. Even the instances of Orioles coverage that he was referencing, as far as I can tell, were actually posts about Cal Ripken, and let’s face it, even if Cal is arguably ours, we certainly have to share him with the rest of the world. The writer of those posts, Sriram Gopal, a Maryland native, admits to being lifelong Orioles fan, and apparently went to Cooperstown a couple of weeks ago. I did not. So who am I to quantify his allegiance? DCist is full of Yankees and Red Sox fans, and even some fans from other cities who are capable of supporting teams that don’t always pay their way to the top of the heap. Why not Baltimore as well, right? If Gopal is willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with us through these dark Angelos days, then I commend him and any other Washingtonian who has the character to posses a lifelong allegiance that transcends geography and understands that a shitty owner should not equate to hating a team.

Anyway, I’m getting off point again, and should stop making out with Sriram long enough to get back on track. Like I was saying, bully for DCist for not pretending to be a voice for Baltimorean professional sports teams. I have no way of knowing if this is an editorial position borne out of respect, contempt or a healthy unease with the questionable justifiable purview. Like Gustafson said himself, DCist has “never covered any of the teams in Baltimore.” This, of course, calls into question their previous trespasses into our purview regarding everything not sports related. After all, if our sports teams are not qualified for inclusion on DCist, why would Christmas street in Hampden be? Or our sometimes laughably embarrassing crime problems? Or any other of their previous transgressions that are catalogued in the archives of this page?

But, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. Recently, I’ve been able to practically abandon this page. If I never have reason to post here again, then I’ll be one happy ass. Besides, now that a founding member of DCist has stated that it is DCist policy to not treat Baltimore as being under their local purview; not in the past, not in the present, and theoretically not in the future, then I can justifiably point to his statement in that comment thread and show them to be a bunch of hypocritical, exploitive ass-munches.

Unless, of course, they never trespass again.

Ricci, Where Are You?

2007-07-27T23:25:00.000-04:00

On DCist blurbing about Baltimore’s Restaurant Week:

Baltimore Restaurant Week Opening to be a Blowout
O.K., so we might get a little carried away with our good-natured taunting of neighbor to the north, Baltimore. They do have a really nice airport and are the setting for Hairspray (it's great, go see it)...

Okay, so I know we’re being baited here, and I’m probably doing more damage to my own position by responding than by not, but I have to say that that last sentence is potentially the most condescending thing ever written on DCist about Baltimore. Adam Bailey is willing to generously concede that we do have a relatively nice airport and admit that a toothless Hollywood musical was set here, as though Hairspray was borne in a vacuum and the powers that be couldn’t decide to set it in Milwaukee or St. Louis and finally settled on sticking it in Baltimore instead.

Although I would like to take a brief pause to point out that there is absolutely nothing good-natured about DCist’s past examples of supposed taunting of their neighbor to the north. In fact, I wouldn’t even use the word “taunting.” I’ve seen many examples of sneering contempt. I’ve seen condescension. I’ve seen even more examples of pompous and falsely presumptuous misguided authority. Buddies taunt one another. You’re not our buddy, we can assure you. So, if you would be so kind, refrain from slapping us on our back and pretending to be old pals because it serves you this week. Not after the shit you’ve been shoving down our throats for the past few years. If you try, we’ll just turn around and spit in your eye.

Although I do find it very cute that you thought Hairspray was “great.” I can’t say that I’m much of a fan of musicals myself; but I’m neither a thirteen year old girl or an old sissy Mary, so I’m willing to admit that they’re not really made for me. I did go see it this week, though. I may not be a gay, but I am gay for Baltimore, so I had to give it a chance. I’ll even admit that when Tracy Turnblad sang:

I love you Baltimore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony

And i promise Baltimore
That some day when
I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me...

I got a little choked up. But that was in the first five minutes. The next 112 minutes were pure agony for me. It was melba toast. Even though I tried, I simply could not get the superior source material out of my head. I’ve always thought of Waters’ 1988 original as his most friendly family work, and it probably was, but I never appreciated how fantastic and edgy the original was until I suffered through the remake. With every single scene, with every single performance, I found myself longing for their original counterparts. The only thing that got me through the movie was that I was actually playing the real one in my head instead of paying attention to it.

To me, to watch the remake and think that it was great would be like if the Carpenters had done a cover of the “House of the Rising Sun” with Karen Carpenter parroting the lyrics that I had originally heard sung by Eric Burdon, and to consider her version as possibly great by comparison.

But of course I feel that way. I’m Baltimorean. I’ve got an edge. Perhaps if I was a Washingtonian I’d feel differently.

Update:

I mean, seriously, how could anyone with an ounce of taste stomach Travolta's performance when compared to artistry such as this?

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Rest in peace, our Helen of Baltimore. We'll never allow the fires at your alter to be extinguished.

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-13T12:22:00.000-04:00

Quick everyone, as DCist informs us with their Chesapeake expertise, BLUE CRAB SEASON IS ALMOST AT AN END!!!!! Less than two weeks into July.

Run!!!!

Welcome to the region, transplant ignoramuses.

Thank God they're representing for us.

Big, Self Hating Clay Monster

2007-06-28T15:23:00.000-04:00

All right, I’m not going to begrudge any band for answering questions and being polite to any media source that is providing it with free press; which is why I’ve always steered clear of the DCist “Three Stars” interviews of “local” talent from Baltimore when covering the D.C. music scene. It always seemed counter productive to write anything that could be considered critical of a Baltimore band that was simply trying to make it in this world.

Also, I’ve been friends of one of the Yeveto members for years, so I’m inclined moreso than usual to keep my tongue tied here.

But, I was reading through today's interview and I came across this segment:

What is your opinion of the D.C. area music scene?

GREG: Our first show in the area, at the Iota, recently was wonderful. It was one of the friendliest crowds we’ve ever played for. People seemed earnestly interested in the music. It was a breath of fresh air compared to Baltimore where people seem to have this chip on their shoulder, even when they come to see a band live.

Oh-my-God, Greg, you self loathing sycophantic brown noser. I feel like Baltimore has created a giant clay monster to protect and represent us to our enemies, and you just went over and started telling those enemies jew jokes. Have you no respect for the soil from which you were created? Have you no sense loyalty to your community? It would be one thing to say that to fellow Baltimoreans behind closed doors. We all do that. But in front of outsiders, to outsiders, even?! I feel like Meadow Soprano in the final scene of season 3 when she’s talking to Kelli Aprile. I would sooo be wiping "aemaeth" from your forehead if I had the power. That “chip” on our shoulder, for good or for bad, is part of what makes us who we are as a people.

Okay, Whatever. Yay you for your little DCist interview. I hope it brings you oodles of success with... them. But talking shit about your own kind isn’t going to endear you to your own base.

To protect my own anonyminity, I’m not going tell you who I am or which one of you I’m friends with, but if any of you experience an unusually cold and chippy shoulder anytime in the near future, I hope it gives you pause to think.

For shame.

Mr or Ms Respect to Charm City...

2007-06-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

I actually don’t have a problem with any part of this posting. Contrary to belief, I reserve twisting my panties in a wad with DCist’s Baltimore postings to a very narrow set of circumstances. This post is obviously relivent to the residents of Washington, as it is about an advertising campaign targeting Washingtonians. There is no backhanded snotty faux-inclusion in the post. Nothing in the post pisses on either Baltimore or Baltimoreans. There is no false information in the post itself. At no point does the post try to claim Baltimore culture as being Washingtonian culture.

Of course, many of the commenters are douchbags, but what can you do?

I cannot say the same thing about the Examiner article. The article stated that:

“According to the latest census figures, between 1990 and 2000, the number of Baltimore residents who made daily trips into the D.C. region rose 26 percent, from 106,000 to more than 133,000.”

Bullshit! I was so taken aback by this false claim, I found the study they were referencing:

Trends Alert
Number 5
September 2, 2003
GMU Center for Regional Analysis

Commuting Trends and Patterns in the Washington Region

...There was also significant commuting between the Washington and Baltimore metropolitan areas in 2000, with the commuting from Baltimore to Washington more double the Washington to Baltimore commuting. In 2000, there were 53,232 Washington metropolitan area residents commuting to jobs in the Baltimore metropolitan area, while there were 133,478 commuting from Baltimore metro to Washington metro....

[source]

That’s the Baltimore metropolitan area, asswipes, not Baltimore city. Baltimore has a metropolitan area of approximately 2.6 million. How exactly is 133,478 26% of 2.6 million?* (whoops, I actually buggered this up. See below for details) That is not reflective of two integrated economies. Your reporting sucks, Washington Examiner.

And to David Garrison, that Brookings Institute guy, sociologists and urban planners and market monopolists have been trying to lump Baltimore and Washington together for fifty years, to little or no avail. We were told this would be one big happy metropolitan area by 1980 at the latest. Yet, as the GMU Center study shows, even though we are only 35 miles apart, there is only about a 7 percent integration in our respective economies.

Update: Upon further examination, I see that the overwhelming majority of the 133,478 commuters within the Baltimore PMSA listed were commuting from southern Howard and Anne Arundel Counties. Also, the overwhelming majority of the increase of approximately 26,000 between 1990 and 2000 is attributable to growth in those two counties. The only thing surprising to me about these figures is that the number of commuters from Howard and Anne Arundel Counties to the Washington Area (including commuters into neighboring P.G. and Montgomery Counties) is so low. I’ve always assumed that those counties were far more D.C. than the numbers indicate.

Furthermore, average daily ridership for the entire MARC system was less than 30,000. That is the ENTIRE system, including the Brunswick line, which at no point even enters the Baltimore area. Although I cannot find the figures, I suspect the MARC ridership boarding at the Penn, Camden and West Baltimore stations numbers less than 10,000. Now, if I generously estimate that an equal number of commuters drive to Washington D.C. as ride the MARC train, that means that Baltimore City has less than 20,000 D.C. commuters, from a city of more than 640,000 people. That is less than 3.2%. My my, 3.2% is certainly a smaller percentage than 26%, wouldn’t you agree Washington Examiner? Although admittedly, I’m sure that figure would go up if you consider Baltimore commuters that work in Montgomery and P.G.. Counties, but certainly not to anything remotely resembling 26%. Also, I think a time may come when Howard and Anne Arundel Counties official status as part of Metropolitan Baltimore in their entirety may have to be reconsidered. But I think the true figures support what I’ve been saying all along, Baltimore is in no danger of becoming a D.C. suburb any time in the near future. It looks like we’re two separate metropolitan areas after all. Things only get muddled in the suburbs that we share, which isn’t surprising, as our two metropolitan areas do actually touch.

* As Valentine pointed out in the comments, my interpretation of the Washington Examiner article was equally as buggered up as the article itself (see comments for details). I incorrectly misread that article as stating ..."to 26%." That doesn’t make the article any less wrong, but it certainly does deflate my ranting against it. Consider myself humbled.

?????

2007-06-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

Soft shell crab season is half way over and we can’t believe that we haven’t paid proper tribute to this much-anticipated D.C. delicacy

Isn’t D.C. landlocked? Do they even sell soft crabs in D.C.? If they do, to whom to they sell them? The Californians? The Midwesterners? Isn’t that sort of like homemade Vermont Clam Chowder or a Catskill Lobster roll?

I’ve never eaten a D.C. soft crab, so perhaps I’m speaking out of ignorance; but if they taste anything like their crab cakes, I’ll take a pass. I can get artificial crabmeat in any asian market across the country. I don’t much see the point of eating fake crabmeat a half hour away from the Chesapeake Bay. Not that their primary market could taste the difference or anything, which it seems the D.C. chefs have always banked on.

But whatever, I always thought the only delicacy indigenous to D.C. was the anus sweat of their social and professional superiors. I guess they’re the Kings of Crab County too.

Update: I was so taken aback by the notion of DCist claiming soft crabs as a “D.C. delicacy” that I didn’t even bother reading the recipe.

Funny part A: Remove the heads of the crabs, if desired, by simply cutting them off... If desired? If desired?! Ha! Never mind that they actually meant "face." Good luck finding that crab head, if you desire.

Funny part B: Here is a quote from the recipe explaining what to do with the lungs... “............” Yummmmmmy. They sure do know what to do with their delicacy.

Funny part C (the rest): Peppers, capers, peaches, spinach, aioli, etc.

This recipe is the regional equivalent of pounding Jesus Christ up the pooper.

How They Do

2007-06-20T09:39:00.000-04:00

I’ve identified a trend to DCist’s mentions of Baltimore in their “Briefly Noted” sections. They are always of the point-and-laugh-and-saying “look how fucked up they are” variety; as though by juxtaposition against their own city our absurdities make them feel better about themselves.

This morning, Tom Lee mentioned that a “Baltimore couple steals purse from woman having seizure...”

Mind you, Tom Lee is the Virginian who didn’t even know that Hampden is in the middle of Baltimore.

Granted, the actions of that couple (one is from Baltimore, the other is from White Marsh. But I guess if you’re mentioning something that is happening in a different metropolitan area than your own, it is okay to cluster the urban and suburban residents together, as i would do if I was talking about a couple that was half from Washington and half from Fairfax. Same diff and all as long as this has nothing to do your own city or metropolitan area. Maybe Tom Lee doesn’t know where White Marsh is either.) are pretty screwed up and grimly amusing. It is the sort of thing that happens far too frequently in Baltimore. Admittedly, we have some pretty screwed up people whose utter shamelessness will make anybody shake their head and chuckle. We all have our Baltimore Stories that we save up and pull out to shock, dismay and impress visiting out of towners. Nobody does Fucked Up like we do.

The concept of the Briefly Noted section in DCist is pretty self explanatory. The concept is, obviously, to briefly note goings on in the Metropolitan Washington area. Although when mentioning happenings in the D.C. area music scene, Baltimore doesn’t make the cut unless the artists have developed a following in their metropolitan area; although when mentioning all of the Shakespearian festivals that are taking place in their metropolitan area, the Shakespearian festivals in Baltimore don’t make the cut; although when writing about Washington sports, Baltimore teams don’t make the cut. Theatre? Restaurants? Art? Etc.?

But examples of our fucked upedness often make the cut, usually in their Briefly Noted section.

I wonder why that is?

Again, as always, I do not question DCist’s decision to not cover Baltimore as local. It is simply not possible to cover our art, or music, our politics, our neighborhoods and our everything without an editorial presence. If a time comes when DCist decides to change its name to DC-Baltimorist or Baltimore-DCist, if a time comes when DCist develops an editorial presence in Baltimore who can cover our happenings, if a times comes when a significant number of contributors to their site actually live in Baltimore and are actually familiar with the city (rather than nobody), if a time comes when Baltimore is covered with equal standing to Washington, than DCist will have the right to mock typical Baltimorisms as local color until they are blue in the face.

Otherwise, they can stay the eff out and concentrate on their own losers to mock as local color. If they want to knock on Baltimore as a foreign presence, that’s one thing, and I wouldn’t really question that decision either; but the half-assed Baltimore-is-local-when-Washington-decides-Baltimore-is-local, when Washington wants to add flavor to a flavorless pot, when Washington decides it needs a whipping post and feels it can only get away with it if it pretends to be covering local happenings, is unacceptable, especially when posted by a Virginian who has admitted that his knowledge of Baltimore is rooted in “ignorance.”

blamblamblamblam

2007-05-23T02:22:00.000-04:00

Blah, Preakness. You all know what I’m going to say, but it’ll have to wait a day. A bunch of people just got blown away outside my bedroom window a few hours ago; and surprisingly, I’m a little shaken up about it. It turns out I’m a much bigger pussy than I thought. I’ve never heard gun shots that close before, and jesus christ ARE THEY LOUD. Also... bodies... and wounded.... yeesh.

Go ahead, yuk it up, unintentional poverty displacers. Baltimore is a dump. Der. I’ve never contested that. Nobody has ever contested that. You’re still the biggest assholes in America, and nobody outside the Beltway has ever contested that. Try to price douchbaggery out into P.G. county.

The good news is, as it turns out, hitting the floor happens to be a gut instinct of mine. That might come in handy in the future.

Anyway, I have a long day tomorrow, and by the look and sounds of things, the detectives are probably going to be out there for hours. I doubt I would have been able to sleep anyway.

I’ll be back on Thursday with my vitriol, piss and vinegar. My position has not changed. As long as there is a DCist expressing uninformed and presumptuous hubris, there will be a dcistgohome barking back like a pit dog... presuming, of course, that I don’t catch a stray. But Wednesday is going to be a me day.

Year II, Part II, Same Smug Self Satisfied B.S. from DCist

2007-05-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

For the second year in a row, Virgin Fest has opted to hold their eastern United States mega-concert at Pimlico in the northwest corner in Baltimore. For the second year in a row, DCist is beaming with pride over this for what they consider *their* Virgin Festival. And for the second year in a row, Amanda Mattos, in a post laughably titled “Virgin Fest is Comin' to Town,” has dealt with this difficult and incorrect claim by uncomfortably and clumsily neglecting to mention the Pimlico is actually in Baltimore, a city D.C. generally never wants anything to do with unless it serves their characteristic sense of arrogant self entitlement.

Last year we were all lathered up about getting a mega-fest of our very own (or at least, within reasonable stomping-ground distance)

That’s funny, DCist never fails to mention geographic or municipal locations in their reporting of matters within their own metropolitan geography, whether it is inside D.C., or in Fairfax, or Rockville or whatever. But for the second year in a row, DCist has opted to neglect mentioning that Pimlico is not in fact in D.C.

I wonder why?

Oh yeah. They actually know they have no business claiming Baltimore as belonging to them. They actually know that Baltimore has an independent economy. They actually know Baltimore has an independent media market, and an independent culture, and an independent everything else. They actually know the two cities have nothing to do with one another. This works out wonderfully when they want another major metropolitan city to piss on; but dammit, this isn’t going to stop them when they want to congratulate themselves and rah rah about their own imaginary awesomeness. Nothing is going to stop a Washingtonian when they see an opportunity to pat themselves on the back.

Amanda Mattos, here is the deal with Virgin choosing Pimlico to be their eastern United States venue:

1) The festival must be located somewhere within the eastern seaboard Megapolis... somewhat close to the population centers of real cities like New York and Philadelphia. [Options: Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, ~~D.C.~~]
2) The festival must not be prohibitively distant from the American Southeast. [Options: ~~Boston, New York, Philadelphia~~, Baltimore, D.C.]
3) Optimally, the festival should be located within the Megapolis closest to the densely populated Ohio Valley. [Options: ~~Boston, New York, Philadelphia~~, Baltimore, ~~D.C.~~]
4) The festival must be located in a metropolitan area that has the infrastructure to handle such a large population influx. [Options: Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, D.C.]

1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = Pimlico.

Virgin could not give a rat’s ass what city adds up in the equation. All they care about is the equation itself. Not only does this festival have nothing to do with D.C., it really doesn’t have anything to do with Baltimore either, other than being the metropolitan area that most optimally fulfilled all of the above criteria.

Yay! Criteria! Woo!!!

If you’ll notice, nobody in Baltimore is patting themselves on their back over this. Would you like to know why? It’s because it is not in our nature to falsely congratulate ourselves over nothing. But, oh, is it in yours in spades. You do it when you have an argument, and you find a way to do it when you have no argument.

This, of course, is the latter.

But congratulations on yet again having “a mega-fest of [your] very own.”

Smoking

2007-05-11T13:04:00.000-04:00

I have no specific blast of DCist for this particular post, but rather the pronounced, hypocritical and contradictory idiocy of one of its commenters.

DCist imbedded this admittedly hilarious clip from the daily show last night where Stewart and Aasif Mandvi take a scripted jab at Baltimore and our notorious violent reputation:

This caused IMGoph to respond with this comment:

"Washington DC is violent, but they're not finding 30-50 corpses in the street every day"

"well of course not, it's not Baltimore"

stick that in your pipe and smoke it, dcistgohome guy!!! :)

IMGoph, I do not live under the delusion that Baltimore is a paradise, and I’m more than willing to laugh along with others when they take their jabs at Baltimore, as long as those others are not Washingtonians. Self delusion is not one of our flaws. My issue with Washingtonians, and DCist in particular, is that they choose to cherry pick what they perceive a Baltimorean positives and try to claim them as their own or somehow reflective of their culture to compensate for that which they know to be their own shortcomings, namely, the fact that D.C. is a cultureless, rootless, colorless imaginary city. Of course, it is an absurd claim, as it is a universally accepted fact that our cultures share no ties.

On a vaguely related note, it just so happens that Jon Stewart has a particular wild hair up his butt about Baltimore and frequently chooses to make us the butt of his jokes, although I’ve never heard him crack on Detroit or even Camden, New Jersey, which is odd, seeing how he the product of a privileged background in central Jersey. I remember how, prior to the Ravens/Giants Super Bowl, he sent a film crew down to Baltimore to mock our city as weak, effeminate and insignificant. Oddly enough, I have no memory of him retracting after we handed the Giants their ass in that game. I also remember a couple of years ago, when Ice Cube was on the show to promote a horrible movie that was largely filmed in Baltimore, and Stewart used the opportunity to attack Baltimore as being a “dump”... to ICE CUBE... who is from Compton! To Ice Cube’s credit, he didn’t take the bait. It has always been my suspicion that Stewart has some relatives in Baltimore that he despises, or worse, is a Yankees fan. Nothing in this world is more pathetic than being a Yankees fan. Any New Yorker that has an ounce of character roots for the Mets.

But I digress... Jon Stewart is intelligent and talented, DCist is not. Jon Stewart is also a New Yorker, and lets face it, if New York wants to look down their noses as lesser cities, they pretty much have the right. Washington does not. Washington is nothing more than the Canberra of the Northern Hemisphere with an unjustified high opinion of itself. You are not real, and EVERYTHING you have is federally subsidized. Have the feds agreed to pay to rebuild Eastern Market yet? That’s right, even that last remnant that your city had to pretend that you had one degree of something remotely resembling authenticity is dependent on the charity of the American tax payer.

Up here, though, we have it hard. Unlike you, we have to make our own way. American steel is largely dead. Midwestern grains and exports are now mostly routed through the St. Lawrence Seaway instead of our ports. We’re left to diversify our own economy and fight an uphill battle. Meanwhile, you can just sit on your asses and wait for the needs of the federal government to grow, causing more money to pour in while you pat yourselves on the back as though you’ve done something special.

By your perception, you would think that I would be ashamed to be associated with cities like Detroit, Cleveland, Gary and Buffalo, but I’m not. I’m proud of associations with those cities that are left to fight their own fights. What makes me feel shame is being associated with a weak, subsidized, self congradulatory fake city like D.C. for no better reason than we’re close to you. You try to claim us as belonging to you when it suits your needs, and then piss on us for being poorer and more violent what that suits your needs? Well... lets just say you all don’t have the character it takes to be a Yankees fan.

But you know what the funny part is? Even though D.C. has every advantage in the Universe, even though the money pours in hand over fist, you’re still pretty much a dump too. We’re poor. What’s your excuse?

Just remember what Aasif Mandvi said on the Daily Show last night, D.C. isn’t Baltimore. If you don’t want to be associated with our problems, then stop trying to pretend that we’re associated when it suits your needs. That’s been my point to DCist from the first. So, IMGoph, you can stick it in your pipe and smoke that.

Again With the Incorrectly Placed Photo of the Day?

2007-05-10T09:25:00.000-04:00

Apparently, The Skipping Hippy has once again gotten into his car and made a day trip to Baltimore to take photos of our city and submit them to the DCist Flickr Pool, and DCist has once again opted to feature one of the photos on a site that is supposedly about D.C. or at least its suburbs.

This time, DCist did not feature a photo of Hampden and inform its readers that said photo was “near” Baltimore. Instead, it was a photo of the promotional Polish Sausage adorning the rooftop of the Polock Johnny’s on Washington Boulevard, except the poster, EK Eckert, neglected to mention Polock Johnny, as obviously she has never heard of the establishment and has absolutely no familiarity with the history.

But who cares, right? Why would DCist bother to familiarize itself with Baltimore’s cultural history. It isn’t like Baltimore has anything to do with its city. But then again, why would DCist feature a photo of Baltimore on a site about D.C. if the cultural context from which it is derived is irrelevant to them? I can almost see the little hamster wheel in her head spin when she saw the photo attached to their Flickr Pool, "’OMG, WTF?,’ something culturally distinctive, kitschy and with character... it’s time to temporarily condescendingly pretend to appropriate Baltimore to compensate for the fact that D.C. is an imaginary, cultureless, featureless and colorless wasteland.”

The picture inspired several comments, two of note:

Why does DCist post photos from Baltimore? Baltimore is not worthy of being on DCist.
[4] Posted by: KStreetLawyer | May 9, 2007 7:01 PM

and...

for reals, bmore is certainly worthy of being on dcist. the weirdest city in america, in my opinion, we gotta show it some love.
[6] Posted by: sarahlucy | May 9, 2007 7:31 PM

“KStreetLawyer.” I absolutely love that this commenter opted to sign in this manner, as if to say, “I’m fucking SOMEBODY. This city revolves around my ass, the world revolves around this city and consequently, my ass is the center of the fucking Universe!” KStreetLawyer, for better or for worse, you are the quintessential Washingtonian. To some degree or another, every Washingtonian, whether a lobbyist, lawyer, pizza delevery person, bicycle messenger, homeless person or Ist blogger, views the world through the same smoke of delusion as you do. You represent your city perfectly. Lemme guess, when you meet a stranger, the first thing that goes through you head is “How is this person going to prove that they are worthy of my attention?” Well, you’re not alone. Every Washingtonian does that.

KStreetLawer, to your credit, at least you’re not deluding yourself into believing that you’re being charitable and inclusive, unlike sarahlucy. Ms. Lucy, Baltimore may or may not be the “weirdest city in america.” We certainly take more pride than any other major American city for our inherent weirdness; but how exactly does our weirdness qualify us for either inclusion or association with D.C., a city with as much flavor as boiled water stew? Perhaps we only think we have more color than any other city because we are the only city that is geographically juxtaposed against the only city in America that has absolutely no culture or character of its own (again, I’m speaking specifically about the white people in D.C., which, judging from the pages of DCist, is 95% of the city. But what do I know about D.C. from all the way up here in Baltimore? Perhaps DCist just isn’t representative of its city as a whole). Although it is your opinion that you have got to show us some love, I can assure you that you don’t have to show us anything, as in our opinion, D.C. isn’t worthy of eating the polish sausage bits out of our shit.

Now, this is Elizabeth Eckert’s first foray into the cultural imperialism of our institutions, so I opted to go soft on her. Hell, I didn’t even take to obvious route and invite her to take a trip up to Baltimore to eat our collective Polish sausages, or our Hebrew frankfurters, or our German liverwurst, or our Italian sausages (either hot or sweet), or our juicy Greek Gyros, or our giant lake trout subs. But I can assure her, after the first offense, I start to get mean. I recommend that she, like the rest of DCist, would be better off concentrating on correctly representing their own city before they incorrectly and unjustifiably try to represent ours.

In the Eye of the Beholder

2007-03-27T13:57:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Washington D.C. is spending a paltry 150 G’s on research for a rebranding slogan. That sounds pretty half assed to me, as any real city would have squandered a half a million on such an effort. Regardless, Sommer Mathis has written a post on DCist making light of this, requesting commenters to offer their own slogans for Washington and was kind enough to offer a few suggestions of her own. Of course, one of her suggestions was this:

Washington, D.C.: Better than Baltimore

Good one, Sommer! Bleh. I could use this opportunity to point out that comparisons are always problematic. One could point out that D.C. is richer than Baltimore, safer than Baltimore, and has a wonderful federally subsidized museum network . But then again, someone else could point out that Baltimore is actually a real city that built its own industries, built its own economy, by its own indigenous population, has an actual soul and doesn’t owe its existence or its own present economy entirely to the American people’s tax tit... all the while looking down its contemptuous nose at the Great American Nipple.

“Better,” of course, is a relative notion, and always open to debate.

For instance, I could offer, completely free of charge, a new rebranding slogan promoting Sommer Mathis’ physical attractiveness:

Sommer Mathis: More Attractive than a Bat

Although I do honestly believe that she is more attractive than a flying rodent, I’m willing to concede that this is unquestionably a debatable issue, and might not be an opinion shared by everybody. If others disagree with my opinion, who am I to tell them that they’re wrong?

But I really shouldn’t go there. There’s no reason to be petty. She’s certainly entitled to her opinion, and I prefer open contempt to backhanded faux-inclusive contempt anyway. It’s better than them presuming to be an authority over us, at least.

So, Are You A Baltimorean, Frank?

2007-03-16T01:29:00.001-04:00

Blah, blah, blah. DCist posted a photograph of Annapolis as their picture of the day. Blah, blah, blah...

I have no problem with DCist covering Annapolis. As I’ve said before, some latitude needs to be given for central and south Howard and Anne Arundel Counties, as such a huge percentage of the people who live in those areas commute and have strong cultural ties to D.C., regardless of whichever major metropolitan area Annapolis is technically considered to be a suburb. I think the map on the top right corner of this page makes this abundantly clear. I have absolutely no intention of using this page to bicker over our shared suburbs. If DCist has anything remotely resembling an argument of authority, than I’ll leave them well enough alone. As far as I'm concerned, anything south of MD 100, from Clarksville to Annapolis, is fair game. But...

Somebody in the comment section felt Annapolis was too far from D.C. to be included at the DCist photo of the day. This caused the photographer, Frank (or “The Skipping Hippy”) to chime in with this little pearl:

So are you saying only photos taken within the District should appear on the DCist web site? That sounds a bit narrow minded. Annapolis is not far from Washington and I'm sure there are DCist readers who live there. I think it was you who also got upset when I submitted a photo taken in Baltimore. Remember, there isn't a Baltimorist or Annapolisist. I think DCist is not just for the people who live in the city, but for everyone who lives in the greater Washington and Baltimore region.

Oh, Frank, you just got on my bad side. Where are you from, Frank? Are you from Baltimore, Frank? You’re the guy who took a photo of the Senator and added it to the Washington DC/Metro Area Flickr Pool, and then didn’t even bother to add it to the Baltimore Flickr Pool. Last time I checked, such a pool existed. In fact, last time I checked, there were over 650 members of that pool. You did the same thing to MICA's Brown Center in Bolton Hill. You had the audacity to do the same thing to Baltimore's Washington Monument, even. Something tells me you’re not one of us, Frank. And yet, you seem to posses a presumption of authority over what is and what is not acceptable in regards as to how Baltimore is covered and by whom. You’re not even willing to acknowledge that there is such a thing as a Baltimore area. Never mind that we have two separate economies. Never mind that we have two separate cultures. Never mind that we have two separate media markets. Never mind that nobody in D.C. has the first clue about anything Baltimorean. As far as you’re concerned, we’re part of D.C.’s market.

I have a question for you, Frank. If Baltimore is part of D.C.’s market, why aren’t there any Baltimorean contributors on the pages of DCist? Is it such a simple subject that familiarity isn’t necessary? I’ve seen Californians writing about Baltimore on DCist. I’ve seen Midwesterners writing about Baltimore on DCist. I’ve seen Virginians informing the D.C. media market that Hampden is “near” Baltimore on the pages of DCist, but I have not seen one Baltimorean resident contribute one entry to DCist. The closest they’ve come is a former Illinois resident who studied in Baltimore for 4 years nearly 6 years ago, on a campus that does everything in its power to isolate its students from the Baltimorean populous.

Now, if no Baltimoreans have expressed interest in contributing to DCist, I think that is rather telling in itself. If Baltimoreans have expressed interest, and have been rejected, I think that would be rather telling as well. Wouldn’t you agree, Frank? I'm not saying that DCist should include Baltimore, mind you. I'm just saying that there are a lot of tells that show exactly how inclusive DCist intends to be towards Baltimore.

I’m curious, has anyone at DCist ever considered consulting anyone in Baltimore as to how, or even if it is appropriate, to include their city on DCist? Or does that not matter? That’s a decision best left to Californians, and Midwesterners, and New Englanders, and Southerners, and New Yorkers, and whoever else from wherever else that is contributing to DCist and making those decisions with absolutely no input from Baltimoreans.

I think there is only one correct universal understanding about Baltimoreans in this county, and that is that we walk around with the biggest chip on our shoulders in America. And guess what, Frank. DCist has flicked that chip. And if some transplant Washingtonian who has lived there for only 2, 4, 5 years doesn’t even know about that chip, then they definitely have no business writing about this city on their page.

So, Frank, you think Baltimore should be covered on DCist. Well, here are the conditions that would make it acceptable.

First, foremost, and unconditionally, the name would have to be changed. There would be no more “DCist.” The new name would have to be either DC-Baltimorest or Baltimore-Washingtonist. Forgive me for using the F word so generously in the next sentence, but I need to express how passionately this city feels on this matter. We do not play second fucking fiddle to your fucking city under any fucking conditions. Being treated as a peripheral under a presumption of authority from your city is unacceptable.

Now, if the webpage formally known as DCist agrees to the first condition, we can move on to the second. As no Washingtonian has an adequate understanding of the culture of Baltimore’s market, and no Baltimorean as an adequate understanding of the culture of Washington’s market, two separate editorial staffs would have to be maintained.

And then there is the third and final condition. To insure that neither market and editorial staff becomes subservient to the other, a primacy of editiorialship would have to be rotated on a weekly, monthly or biannual basis.

Boy, that seems awfully complicated for an Ist, wouldn’t you agree, Frank? It hardly seems worth the trouble. Perhaps DCist would be better off being respectful and not behaving as though they have some authority over us, when they’re all from somewhere else and have no understanding of us anyway. It almost seems unfair that no other Ist has to deal with all of this; but then again, no other Ist is in this geographic and cultural situation. Our predicament is a singular one, isn’t it, Frank?

So you know how to get in a car, drive up to Baltimore, take a picture and attach it to a Washington DC/Metro Area Flickr Pool and attach the DCist tag to it. Well, yippee skippy Skippy Hippy. You have an opinion? Well, so do I. I also have an asshole. Do you? Call me crazy for thinking a Baltimorean’s opinion is more relevant on the subject of the coverage of Baltimore, or considering a Baltimorean’s opinion at least worth considering...

not that it ever has been.

Hu-ha!

2007-03-05T16:51:00.000-05:00

Since I feel a little sick to my stomach for being Mr. Niceguy in the last post, I wanted to take a moment to point my finger and laugh my balls/tits/whatever off at decidedly WASPey DCist and her 40% WASPey host city for this quote from a post commemorating Pulaski Day:

Most Washingtonians might only associate Pulaski with Sufjan Steven's tale of a dying childhood friend...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

It’s like the opposite of a Polak joke. Any anal stick-up-its-butt city that lacks a vibrant Polish community will... well... be prone to make a statement like that.

Is there REALLY any question as to whether or not our two cities have absolutely nothing to do with one another?

Common Ground

2007-03-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, I am, for once writing a post not to unload a pile of shitty on DCist’s presumptuous, inaccurate and oftentimes snotty coverage of material outside their sphere of influence and within ours. In fact, I’m writing this post to do the exact opposite; to sincerely and unsarcastically commend a DCist contributor for successfully navigating the dangerous waters of reporting material pertaining to our geography in a manner that is actually relevant to Washingtonians, accurately, respectfully, and not being a total douche in the process. If all such material was treated this delicately and tactfully on DCist, I would never have felt the need to launch this page in the first place.

Amanda Mattos, who I think is DCist’s music editor or something, wrote a post today about attending a touring show of what she considered a must-see artist who passed over D.C. to play in Baltimore instead, and addressed the frustrations associated.

Again, for reinforcement, I am not being sarcastic this one time. For once, the other shoe is not going to drop. As it turns out, I’m only an ass 95% of the time.

The artist in question, for me at least, is completely immaterial. I stopped following the newest, hippest, undergoundest artists a few years back. I suppose the most important reason that I stopped following the music was because I outgrew following the music; but another significant reason was because the vast majority of the sets I wanted to catch opted to pass over my market and played D.C. instead. That would have been all, good, and understandable if these touring shows were not playing markets of only two and a half million people, but this was never the case. It was frustrating to watch the dates of these bands playing one one million population market after another and then choose to play either Baltimore or Washington before moving on to the next market. As D.C. has approx. 5.5 mil. to our approx. 2.5 mil., it doesn’t take a genius to figure out which market these artists generally chose when they pretended that we were one market. It also would have been fine if we were actually a single market, but we’re not, and that drive is just too much of a nightmare at one/two/three in the morning to bother with. Add more than one beer to the equation, and that drive goes from being nightmarish and miserable to being more nightmarish, more miserable, and irresponsible and illegal to boot.

Consequently, for either a reasonable Washingtonian or a Baltimorean, for an artist to be worth the trouble, they damn well better be the best God-damned show of the year. Unfortunately, the reality is that the vast majority of even good shows don’t pass that mustard for either one of us.

So artists, please, even if you’re good and we want to see you, you’re probably not that great to make it worth the trouble. Baltimoreans hate the drive and having the D.C. locals sneer down their noses at us for not wearing the new black, whatever that black happens to be this season. Washingtonians hate the drive and watching Baltimoreans grooming one anothers’ fur for bugs to eat. Even if you want to disregard our respective feelings, consider the fact that we’re actually two separate large markets, especially after midnight, and we’ll probably not going unless you play for both of us. On this, I think Baltimore and D.C. can agree.

Two Pronged Assault

2007-02-14T01:26:00.000-05:00

After over a month and a half of minding their manners (with the exception of some guy blathering on about classical music on a page marketed towards the internet generation. I don’t even know how to address that one), Heather Goss and Lindsay Gibson joined forces in a two pronged assault with conjoined posts claiming Baltimore as a DC suburb.

In the first, Heather Goss, a Californian, reported that Washington D.C.’s Senator Theater is facing foreclosure due to “ contractual restrictions limiting their film choices and nearby construction cutting off access to the establishment.” A.K.A. the owner is still whining like a bitch because the Charles would not allow him to play Fahrenheit 9/11 and put their own business at risk in the process and blaming everything other than his own management style for his theater’s financial woes. I was willing to keep an open mind about the whole Charles/Senator fight, even after listening to his whiny voiceovers at the Rotunda blaming lack of theater ticket sales on people not boo-hoo-hoo supporting the Baltimore Sun anymore, until he admitted to the press that he was happy that a large conglomerate theater chain was possibly coming to the harbor because it could potentially put the meanies at the Charles out of business. So I guess he isn’t about the content and accessibility of quality films for the people of Baltimore, huh? It’s all about some pretty building that he owns. I’ve refused spend a dime in either of his theaters since he went public with that little shitty. But I’ve probably spent hundreds at the Charles. Maybe I’m not the only one?

But hell, why listen to a Baltimorean about a Baltimorean issue when someone from California who lives in DC can tell you it’s all about “nearby construction” and “contractual restrictions” that aren’t even enforced anymore by his primary competitors in Towson (Why the fuck didn’t he buy and develop that parking lot across the street anyway? Did he just think he would guilt them into losing money by letting his patrons park on that muddy lot forever? If the Belvedere Square business owners love his theater so much, why didn’t they come to an agreement to allow his patrons to use their lot? Did he try to cry like a baby until they would let him use that for free too? I guess trying to cry like a baby until you get your way for free isn’t the smartest business tactic.). After all, she can read Thomas Kiefaber’s online whining and know what everything is all about just as well sitting on a couch in D.C. as she could sitting on a couch in Baltimore, right?

Someone mentioned the obvious in the comments that DCist had no place covering Baltimore, which caused some ass to respond:

Not sure what you mean. Should the photo not be tagged with DCist or is the possible closing of the Senator Theatre not relevant to DCist readers?

I think there are DCist readers who frequent Baltimore and are familiar with the theater. Also, the photo was shot within the general geographic area--the two cities are only separated by 34 miles.

Well, ass, no, the Senator Theatre is NOT relevant to DCist readers; and no, the photo should not be tagged “DCist” by the photographer. Nor should the photo be listed in the flickr “Washington DC/Metro Area (Pool)” as the theater isn’t even in the D.C. Metro area. It is in a larger city in a metro area next to yours. I happen to also be familiar with the Uptown Theater, but I don’t give a shit about it because it isn’t relevant to me. I’m also familiar with the Key, the Biograph and the Outer Limits, but that doesn’t make them my issue. Oh wait, but they don’t exist anymore. Oops. I almost forgot. I don’t give a shit either way. Your theaters are your issue. And those 34 miles that separate Baltimore and Washington’s borders happen to be the longest 34 miles in America. Regardless of the fact that our metropolitan areas touch, our two cities might as well be Seattle and Miami from a cultural standpoint. We have nothing to do with one another.

In part two of yesterday’s “DCist thinks we’re their suburb” coverage, Lindsay Gibson, who seems to be taking over Sommer Mathis’ position, that, as DCist’s Staff page informs us, is from Illinois and “ spent four harrowing years in Baltimore before moving to Washington in 2001,” covers the probable demise of Baltimore’s Believe campaign under the direction of Baltimore’s new mayor.

Well, Lindsay, I’m sure it must have been positively “harrowing” living in Charles Village, what with all the disproportionate and overwhelming police presence kept in place around the campus to ease the fears of the parents of all the spoiled rich white brats that had to be surrounded by all those "harrowing" black folk. After all, up here in Baltimore, we don’t know how to keep all our black people corralled on one side of the city, leaving a decidedly un-harrowing lily-white faux-urban utopia on the other. You have to teach us how to do that. We want to be a first class city, too. I’m not saying that we aren’t just as segregated as every other city in the country, but we just don’t know how to get them all in one place. We segregate block-by-block, and it’s just a fucking mess. You remember what it was like, don’t you? After all, you spent for “harrowing” years here. If we do it like you in D.C., we can just pretend they don’t exist, just like you guys do. Then, we can live in the city and not have it be all “harrowing” on our ass. THAT would be SOOOOO awesome! Maybe we can just shove them out of the city and make them someone else’s problem, JUST LIKE YOU GUYS! Then we can pat ourselves on the back and congratulate ourselves for our urban improvements. Let’s do lunch sometime. We can trade secrets. You get me, right? You were just like me for four “harrowing” years.

But enough of that. Let’s get back to your blurb about our new mayor and her plans with the Believe campaign.

What’s her name, again?

Oh, right, I forgot, you didn’t mention that. That’s funny? A blurb about our mayor and you don’t even mention her name, as though the name of a mayor of a city of 641,943 people within your metropolitan area really doesn’t matter or is all that important to either D.C. or the DCist readership. She really isn’t, is she? Of course, you remember O’Malley. After all, he was mayor for two of your four “harrowing” years here, was recently in the D.C. news because of an election that did matter to the D.C. metropolitan area, is now governor of a large percentage of that readership, and is just cute as a button! But the name of the mayor of the city of Baltimore doesn’t make a God damned bit of difference to Washington. I’m not disagreeing. I’m just pointing out a fact. You don’t really give a shit, and if it is okay by you, we would rather some supposed blog voice of record NOT choose to be inclusive of us on slow news days when, when push comes to shove, you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about us. I can assure you, we don’t give a rat’s ass about you*. So please, no more of your rat’s ass half assed bullshit. Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, her name is Sheila Dixon. You might as well know the names if you’re going to keep up with the news in the ol’ ‘hood.

* Except, of course, to hate you.

“Near” the Heart of Ignorance

2006-12-27T10:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, in the DCist feature “Photo of the Day,” Tom Lee posted a photo of Baltimore’s Christmas Street in Hampden, which he was kind enough to inform the readers of a webpage supposedly about DC, is “NEAR” Baltimore. Thankfully, commenters chimed in with a collective WhatTheFuck?, to which Tom Lee responded:

Sorry for my ignorance of Charm City. I'd checked Hampden's location in Google Maps, but a quick glance left me thinking it probably counted as the Baltimore suburbs. Thanks for the correction.

Tom, here is a map of Baltimore with a red dot denoting the location of Hampden:

You are like, the worst quick glancer, ever. Monkeys are probably better google map readers than you. Hampden is “near” baltimore like a heart is near a chest cavity. You are the resident DCist technologist, right?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than willing to forgive your ignorance of Baltimore. I expect it. There is nothing wrong with someone with absolutely no familiarity with a rather significant American city not being able to identify one of its most famous neighborhoods. I am sure there are some Americans who think Central Park is near Manhattan. I personally would be at a loss if asked to identify Silver Lake... or Venice Beach... or West Hollywood on a map of Los Angeles. I have no clue where 8 Mile is located... or Gross Point. Hell, I’m not even sure is Gross Point is even inside Detroit. No disrespect to Detroit, it’s just that I’ve never been there.

You were raised in Arlington. Why would you know anything about Baltimore? Of course you don’t know that there is a city outside the Inner Harbor. By the way, not that this hasn't been drummed loudly enough already, the Inner Harbor is a theme park which exists for the sole purpose of selling outsiders hats shaped like blue crabs. That isn’t Baltimore. You’ve never actually been to Baltimore. Not that you would even necessarily want to.

Obviously, what I am unwilling to forgive is DCist’s insistence of including my city in the coverage of your city when you obviously don’t have the first clue as to what you are talking about. You don’t even know that what is arguably its most famous and definitive neighborhood is located practically in the center of that city, because from your ignorant outsider’s perspective the only part of this city that exists is the Inner Harbor.

And yet, DCist STILL thinks it is qualified to cover Baltimore as though it is their possession. I know, by some perspectives, Baltimore is not huge; but it is bigger than, has a stronger cultural vernacular and a far more distinct identity than the pompous, pretentious transient shit hole that you call home. DCist should really consider its own actual perspective before it claims bigger cities as suburbs. At least that’s my perspective, anyway.

I’ll just have to remember that next time I find myself “near” DC in Shaw or Dupont Circle or something.

I Guess Our Trial Seperation is Over?

2006-12-22T01:16:00.000-05:00

>> A local blogger finds joy in the single masses in Adams Morgan. Probably more fun than stepping in discarded jumbo slice and running into underage girls dressed as prostitutes. [Talkin' Shit About a Pretty Sunset]

>> Just when you though Adams Morgan was the "hot" hookup place, here comes Baltimore City jail. A woman is charged with forging documents and pretending to be a lawyer in order to see an inmate and fornicate. What happened to the good, old fashioned, legal, conjugal visit? [NBC4]

Oh, Lindsay. More so than any other DCist contributor, you seem compelled to pretend that DC and Baltimore are all part of one big happy metropolitan area.

Admittedly, you’re never obnoxious about it, which compels me to try my best to not be obnoxious towards you. Lord knows I was obnoxious enough in my last post, and I would rather not be that much of a shithead again if I could avoid it. Ideally, I would like to never post here again, but you people keep pulling me back in. But I digress.

Why is it, I wonder, you’re so determined to include Baltimore news on a website about D.C.? Oh, THAT’S WHY (yesterday’s Arch piece was the tip off for me, just in case you were wondering).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad our city was able to build and provide for you such a top rate education, but being the host city of your alma matter does not make that city part of the city in which you reside. Nobody in DC cares about the news in your old townie town. If you want to keep up with the news in you old college town, bully for you, but why include it on the pages of DCist? Do other DCist contributors include news from Chicago, Cambridge, Los Angeles or whatever other city their old college was located in their posts in the pages of DCist? Just remember what your experiences and orientation seminars at Hopkins taught you about Baltimoreans - that we’re provincial, scary, common, dangerous, ignorant, possibly lacking opposable thumbs, unworthy of your acknowledgment - except for the occasional frat theme party - and best to be avoided at all costs.

I know, I know. It is unfair of me to presume that that was the long and the short of your Hopkins Baltimorean experience. For all I know you could be the sweetest person in the Universe and embraced this city with open arms while you were studying here. I’m basing my assessment on my experiences with EVERY OTHER HOPKINS STUDENT that I have ever met, and that is completely prejudicial of me. So sorry. But please understand, you're a Washingtonian now, and due to the particular nature of the relationship between the Hopkins student body and the city of Baltimore, you were arguably never a Baltimorean... even when you lived here. That might make you happy, that may not. I don't know. But the undeniable facts of the matter are you have your economy, we have ours. You have your culture, we have ours. You have your creative entities, we have ours. And most importantly, you have your media market, we have ours.

I’ve Got Something Else Fudgey For You To Eat (Updated)

2006-11-20T12:55:00.000-05:00

Wow. A blatant baiting. DCist lays claim to Baltimore’s Berger cookies:

Although the Berger Cookie has been around since the mid-19th century, its distribution outside of Baltimore remains limited. Despite the fact that Baltimore is an inner suburb of Washington, Berger Cookies are currently distributed to just seven locations in the immediate D.C. area.

Ari Charney, if I had to live in Alexandria and wake up next to your wife every day, I too would seek solace in a fudgey chocolatey cookie from a completely different city.

How 'bout them Skins, eh?

Update: Hmm. Interesting. Apparently, Ari Charney did not include the line “Despite the fact that Baltimore is an inner suburb of Washington...” in his original posting.

PGCist,

RE: "Despite the fact that Baltimore is an inner suburb of Washington..."

One of the editors apparently inserted that jab. I guess it's some sort of in-joke that I'm not aware of.

The sentence in the piece that I originally submitted actually read (before their edits) : "Despite Washington’s proximity to Baltimore . . ."

-Ari

Which was explained, perhaps jokingly, in a later comment by Adam Bailey:

We have a filter that automatically changes any mention of Baltimore to mention how it's an inner suburb, northeast neighborhood, bedroom community, or some such. Just a little wink to our friends at DCist Go Home. Background on the subject is here.

Good God, what a bunch of pricks?! Granted, I would have posted on this entry, and I’m sure I would have been rude about it, but I would never have insulted his wife had I known that he was not responsible for making that misguided posting personal.

DCist editors, you alter your writers’ words to embroil them our shared personal hatred of one another? I keep trying to be an asshole here, but DCist just keeps proving to me, over and over again, that NOBODY does smug despicable shithead like a DCist editor.

Ari Charney, obviously I don’t think you should be posting about Baltimore matters on the pages of DCist; but I never would have insulted your wife had I known that the editors manipulated your posting for personal reasons. For that, I am sorry.

And Sommer Mathis, as the editor-in-chief of DCist, I think you should know that I think you are an ugly cunt, and I’m glad to learn from a google search that you’re a whore to boot.

Twice in Two

2006-11-17T10:45:00.000-05:00

Baltimore recieved the suburban treatment twice in the past couple of days. Bleh. I have nothing particularly clever or hostile to say about that without just repeating myself. They were both in snippits style sections.

the snips:

>> Baltimore is combating panhandling by asking residents to put change they might give to the homeless on the corner into retrofitted parking meters...
Lindsay Gibson

Briefly Noted: Fenty picks a deputy mayor, eliminating the three other positions ... Man pleads guilty to killing Hopkins student ... Two convicted in MS-13 trial ... IRS loses bunch of laptops ...
Catherine Andrews

Well, Lindsay and Catherine, just as a little reminder, here is a map taken from the Washington Post last week used to illustrate the election results for the Washington area metropolitan market:

Notice what’s missing? Do you two know something about your media market area that the Washington Post doesn’t? You’re “DCist,” not “LowerMidAtlanticist.” We’re not your suburb. Stay out.

Oh, Thank God

2006-11-08T08:15:00.000-05:00

Baltimore County
100% of precincts reporting

Ehrlich 122,062 50%
O’Malley 121,583 49%

Late night gloat Alex Hogan left in my comments:

Ouch, now with 80% of precincts voting, O'Malley has widened his lead in good old BC %52 to %47. You are DCist's little what now?

Not me! Whew! Aww, too bad so sad. It turns out that I cried myself to sleep last night for nothing.

But, in the name of sportsmanship, I said Ehrlich would win Baltimore County “handedly.” Obviously, I was wrong, and Alex Hogan’s interpretation of the polls last week turned out to be spot on. Due to the amazing closeness of the race in Baltimore County, and my gratitude to God and 479 Ehrlich lovas, be they Republican or Democrat, who spared me from saying that I’m DCist’s little bitch and that I wanted to be Jason Linkins’ girlfriend, I will concede this:

Last week, I was obviously talking out of my ass.

Gulp?!

2006-11-08T01:08:00.000-05:00

I’m not conceding Baltimore County yet! I’m not conceding Baltimore County yet! We won’t know for days! The absentee ballots still need to be counted!

Yeesh. Although, I will admit that O’Malley did much better in Baltimore County than I expected. On that point, I will eat crow.

Either way, I couldn’t care less about the result of the Governor's election; but for the love of God, Ehrlich, pull through in Baltimore County! Please!

The Return of the Know Nothings

2006-11-02T15:40:00.000-05:00

As I said a week or two ago, I feel DCist is more than well within their rights to address Baltimore City, Baltimore County, or any other part of the state for that matter when the subject is Maryland politics. But, in those cases when they do choose to address this area, I would be nice if they knew what the hell they were talking about. For instance, check out Martin Austermuhle’s (and/or Alex Hogan?) little snippet on the Maryland gubernatorial race in DCist’s Election Guide 2006:

Maryland Governor: Poor Bob Ehrlich. The incumbent governor can’t get any respect in the Old Line State. Sure, most of his campaign promises, including legalizing slot machines, stronger penalties for gun crimes, and more money to public schools, crashed and burned in Annapolis. And yes, he has spent more time feuding with the Democratic-controlled Assembly (and the Baltimore Sun) than signing his name to bills. But things are going pretty well in Maryland, and most residents are satisfied with the state of the state and Ehrlich’s job performance. Even the Post thinks Bob should get another shot in the governor’s chair. Unfortunately, Ehrlich happens to be a registered Republican. And in a state that is 2-1 Democrat and where President George W. Bush’s approval ratings have dipped so low that he only really ever visits the state to go mountain biking in a private facility, it's not surprising that Baltimore Mayor Martin O’Malley (D) commands a 10-point lead over the incumbent, scary law and order commercials demonizing Charm City aside. Look for Baltimore County “Ehrlich Democrats” to return to the fold and secure a comfortable O’Malley victory.

No need to be concerned as to whether or not my opinion of DCist’s opinion is politically biased: I hate both their guts. I’m only concerned with the “facts” that DCist has provided.

First, “...it's not surprising that Baltimore Mayor Martin O’Malley (D)commands a 10-point lead over the incumbent.”

ER?! Mind you, I think it is relevant to point out that DCist published this TODAY; only a day after the latest polls have shown that Ehrlich is within one or two points of O’Malley.

What the f**k are they talking about? Just yesterday, my best DCist bud, Fat F**k Jason Linkins, published the latest polls on the pages of DCist. Oh, yes, here are the latest polls.

And, second, “Look for Baltimore County “Ehrlich Democrats” to return to the fold and secure a comfortable O’Malley victory.”

Look at me laughing my ass of next week when Ehrlich handedly wins Baltimore County. I have no idea who will win this election, it looks to me as though that it could go either way (I suspect that dick-wad Ehrlich will pull it out and beat that rat-f**k O’Malley, but we’ll see...), but if O’Malley wins Baltimore County, I promise to title a post “I Am DCist’s Little Bitch.” It is a promise, I SWEAR..

Have they ever even met a Baltimore County Ehrlich Democrat?! On this, they have not a clue to the extreme. Perhaps they really should limit their coverage to the DC suburbs.

More Briefs

2006-11-01T10:17:00.001-05:00

November 1
Morning Roundup
Briefly Noted

...Hopkins frat suspended, "Halloween Hood"-themed party seen as racist.

Again with the f**king briefs?! Need I remind you of DCist’s mission statement:

DCist is a website about the Washington, D.C. area and everything that happens there. That means news and events, restaurants and nightlife, happenings, goings-on and observations.

Sure, I understand you extending your coverage to include your own metropolitan market area; but when you’ve left your own market area and are covering a city outside of your market area, which is larger than your own city, which shares absolutely no cultural ties to your own, how are you fulfilling that mission?

You and I know perfectly well that neither DCist or the city of DC ever has the intention of embracing Baltimore as being one with your own city. This, of course, is perfectly fine by us. What is left is little snippets, briefly noteds, bullshit claims to our cultural institutions and a sea of misinformation about this city of which you do not have a fraction of understanding, this city that hates your guts, this city which you yourselves condescend to as being insignificant, typically based a handful of years experience with the region, whether you’re actually Californians... or Floridians... or whatever.

Spanking DC

2006-10-30T09:54:00.000-05:00

I’m going to be trying something completely new here at DCistGoHome; I’m going to be moderately polite - although with a big caveat. On DCist’s Weekend Picks last friday, Sommer Mathis wrote:

Of course, the non-DAM! show of the night is clearly Baltimore's Spank Rock, who'll be bringing their old school hip-hop beats with an electronic twist to Black Cat.

First, I’d like to acknowledge that she structured this perfectly within the bounds of what is acceptable on the pages of DCist. There is no cultural icon theft. There is no attempt to lay claim to a Baltimorean institution as being somehow reflective of DC in anyway. There is no bullshit treating Baltimore as a DC suburb. The delineation of our two completely separate cities is made clear.

Sommer, you’re growing. I’m proud of you. *HUGS*

Hell, I’m feeling so damn warm and fuzzy about this that I won’t even delve too deeply into the fact that there is absolutely nothing “old school” about Spank Rock’s beats. In fact, the beats aren’t even hip hop - although sometimes they’re loosely based on, or rooted in, Baltimore Club - but Baltimore Club and “old school” hip hop not the same thing. There is a shit load of hip hop influence in Spank Rock’s sound, but not in the beats. They’re rough, they thump, they knuckle heads, but they aren’t “old school,” unless by old school you’re talking about Motown R&B.

Unfortunately, I will have to delve a little more deeply into the fact that Spank Rock isn’t actually Baltimore’s. Emcee, Naeem Juwan, or Spank Rock proper, is working out of Philly. Producer, Alex Epton, or XXXchange (the other half of Spank Rock), likewise, is a Brooklyn figure. It isn’t until you get down to the turntables of C. Rockswell and Ronnie Darko that you’ll find a Baltimore address, and at this point you’ve arguably left Spank Rock and entered the realm of the Baltimore Bass Connection. BBC and Spank Rock are not the same thing. True, everyone involved, with the exception of Philly’s Amanda Blank, have Baltimore roots; and they represent Baltimore in a big way (arguably a little too heavy handidly for some tastes) and are on a mission export their variant of the Baltimore sound to the world stage; but they were founded in and built up from the undergrounds of Philadelphia and Brooklyn, not Baltimore, by Baltimorean expats. As Naeem said in this Radio Free Chicago interview:

It's interesting to me how most music journalists don't care to pay attention. If you listen to our music, it's obvious that our sound has many influences, Baltimore club is one of them, but to be called a Baltimore club artist, because our sound is unique, Club is becoming more popular, and we're from Baltimore is just lazy. There are only two songs that have the club sound on our album.

So you see, Spank Rock isn’t actually a Baltimore outfit, or living in Baltimore, or even playing true Baltimore Club music (full confession from me: I actually adore Spank Rock and the BBC, while genuine B-more Club makes my ears bleed), they’re reping Baltimore for the significant/relevant portions of the Mid-Atlantic; namely, Baltimore, Philly, Jersey and New York. They’re blowing up. Baltimore Club is blowing up. There is a tie, but they are not the same thing. Nor are they the same thing as the Baltimore Bass Connection - which in itself isn’t producing genuine Baltimore Club music, but a geek-kid variant to a largely white audience.

Confused yet? Of course you are. It would be confusing to anybody. Being from DC, you are especially disinclined to be able to sort any of this out. Perhaps people writing for Phillyist or Gothamist can explain this all to you. It isn’t that I even minded this post at all; except, you know, everything you said was actually wrong and all - as though Baltimore and everything related or derived from Baltimore is beyond your understanding... or something.

As Emcee Rabbit of the BBC (and former Washingtonian. She went Injun in the Baltimorean Wilderness) said of the Black Cat show last weekend, “DC watch yourself.” See? It isn’t just me. Just about everyone in this whole damn city feels exactly as I do. Oh, I’m just kidding. In this one post, you and I are buds. *HUGS!* But seriously, watch yourself.

They’re Trying to Steal Our Pretend Serial Killers

2006-10-26T14:00:00.000-04:00

Special ‘Kiss our asses, D.C.’ Halloween edition.

In a post bizarrishly and incorrectly titled “Virginia is for Lovers, D.C. is for Cannibals," Matt Sedlar stated:

”For example, D.C. was the stomping grounds for Hollywood's most famous cannibal, Hannibal Lecter.”

From the Wikipedia biography for the Hannibal Lecter character:

Lecter established a psychiatric practice in Baltimore, Maryland in the 1970s. He became a leading figure in Baltimore society and indulged his extravagant tastes, which he financed by influencing some of his patients to bequeath him large sums of money in their wills. He became world-renowned as a brilliant psychiatrist, but he himself apparently had nothing but disdain for psychology; he would later criticize it as "puerile" and "on level with phrenology," and comment that most psychology departments were filled with "ham radio enthusiasts and other personality-deficient buffs."
Lecter killed at least nine people before his capture, becoming known in the Baltimore area as "The Chesapeake Ripper". Only three of his victims survived, including Graham, an FBI profiler who was Lecter's captor and who figures largely in the plot of Red Dragon. Another one of these, Mason Verger, figures largely in the plot of Hannibal.
Only two of his 9 victims are known by name in the books: Benjamin Raspail and Mason Verger. Verger was the son of a very wealthy and influential family who controlled a meat-packing empire. Verger went through psychiatric counseling with Lecter after being convicted of child molestation. Lecter drugged Verger and suggested he try cutting off his own face. Verger complied and, again at Lecter's suggestion, ate it and then was convinced that he fed it to the dogs, so that pieces could not be found when their stomachs were pumped. Lecter then broke Verger's neck and left him to die. Verger survived, but was left hideously disfigured and forever confined to a life support machine.
Raspail was Lecter's ninth and final (known) victim before his incarceration. Raspail was a not-so-talented flautist with the Baltimore Philharmonic Orchestra, and it is believed that Lecter killed Raspail because his musicianship, or lack thereof, spoiled his enjoyment of the orchestra's concerts. Raspail's body would be discovered sitting in a church pew with his thymus and pancreas missing, and his heart pierced. It is believed Lecter served these organs at a dinner party he held for the orchestra's board of directors. Raspail claimed to have killed a man whose head was found years later in Raspail's rented storage garage in Baltimore, but Lecter suspected him of covering up for his former lover, Jame Gumb, who would later be involved in Lecter's life as the serial killer dubbed "Buffalo Bill".
Raspail's role is inconsistent in the Hannibal films. In Silence of the Lambs, Clarice Starling finds the head in the storage shed much like the events in the novel describe. Perhaps in an effort to condense the number of characters, the film actually labels this as Raspail's head (referring to a moth as "just like the one that was found in Raspail's head an hour ago"). Hannibal tells Clarice that Benjamin Raspail was a former patient of his, and began to fear his lover. He tells her "I did not kill him, I assure you" and goes on to describe it as a "fledgling killer's" first attempt at transformation". Later, this description would indicate that he was killed by Buffalo Bill, as would the moth found in his mouth. However, the Hannibal screenplay seems to ignore the changes made in Ted Tally's "Silence of the Lambs" screenplay and reflects the events of the books, contradicting the previous film in the process. The murder of the victim identified as Raspail in "Hannibal" is portrayed in the opening scene of Tally's "Red Dragon" script but the flautist goes unnamed. Keeping the flautist unnamed avoids a contradiction between "The Silence of the Lambs" and "Red Dragon" as long as the inconsistency in "Hannibal" (which was written by Steven Zaillian and David Mamet as opposed to Tally) is ignored. Furthermore, the unnamed flautist in "Red Dragon" is depicted as completely bald whereas Raspail has shaggy, curly hair in "The Silence of the Lambs".
The novels also mention a few details about Lecter's other victims. One, who initially survived, was taken to a private mental hospital in Denver, Colorado. Others include a bow hunter, a census taker whose liver he famously ate with "fava beans and a big Amarone" (in the movie, the wine he had for this particular meal was "a nice Chianti"), and a Princeton student whom he buried. Lecter was given sodium amytal by the FBI in the hopes of learning where he buried the student; he gave them a recipe for potato chip dip. He committed his last three known murders within nine days.
Lecter was caught in March or April of 1975 by FBI Special Investigator Will Graham. Graham was investigating a series of murders in the Baltimore area committed by a serial killer, and had turned to Lecter for professional advice. When Graham questioned Lecter at his psychiatric practice, he noticed some antique medical books in his office. Upon seeing these, Graham knew Lecter was the killer he sought; the sixth victim had been killed in his workshop and laced to a pegboard in a manner reminiscent of the Wound Man, an illustration used in many early medical books. Graham left to call the police, but while he was on the phone Lecter attacked him with a linoleum knife and nearly disembowled him.
The courts found Lecter insane. Thus, he was spared prison and sent to the Baltimore State Forensic Hospital (later the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane.)

WRONG, cock breathed cultural icon thieves!

Must you pretend that Baltimore is your stomping grounds? Get your own pretend serial killer, assholes.

Update: Matt Sedler’s bullshit defence for saying D.C. was Hannibal Lecter’s “stomping grounds:”

That really doesn't change the fact that the movies were filmed in parts of D.C. For example, Lecter plays phone tag with Clarese Starling at Union Station in Hannibal.

But it does effect whether or not D.C. was the stomping ground of the character Hannibal Lecter. *One* scene set in a train station does not stomping ground of a cultural icon make, especially in a series of novels/films. And yes, all the scenes involving the FBI headquarters were set in D.C., unlike all the movies where the FBI headquarters is set in Albuquerque.

I would have considered letting this one go where it not for the title “D.C. is for Cannibals.”

Does Torontoist claim a character as a home town icon every time a movie is filmed there? Does Baltimore do this every time Baltimore serves as a stand in for Washington? No.

Giggle My Grundel

2006-10-21T12:13:00.000-04:00

Red Bull has been hosting these Flugtag competitions in cities all over the country for at least a few years, but if you've never been to one before, it's worth heading to Baltimore this weekend to catch the silliness of it all. Teams from all over the world will be bringing their homemade, human-powered flying machines to a 25-foot ramp above Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, and jumping off. If you go, make sure to take some photos and tag with DCist on Flickr so we can giggle along with you.

Sommer Mathis
DCist
Out and About: Weekend picks
October 20, 2006

So let me get this straight; to show me up, you’re sending your minions of Flickr obsessed DCist ass kissers, who add the “DCist” tag to their photos, hoping their images will be graced on the pages of your obnoxious f**king blog, for your obnoxious f**king readers, in your obnoxious f**king city, to Baltimore, to watch some retards jump into the harbor wearing goofy outfits to promote some national dreck soda in a national touring “competition,” and you’re encouraging them to take pictures, and add the DCist tag - again, to show me up - and you think you’re the ones who are going to be giggling?

Simple Rules

2006-10-09T17:47:00.000-04:00

Maybe (in the minds of some people[a link to dcistgohome]) it's verboten for DCist to hype anything coming from our neighbors to the north, but Baltimore indie-rock-folk-pop outfit Private Eleanor are worth checking out. They'll be at The Red and The Black with The Fake Accents and fellow Marylanders Airport Blvd. $8.

Har-de-dar. Dumbasses, of course you’re well within your realm of influence/jurisdiction/whatever to list and/or promote events that occur at bars or venues in DC or its metropolitan area. Whether a band or an artist that happens to be performing in or around DC is actually from Baltimore is completely immaterial. It is immaterial, obviously, because such a performer does not reflect either negatively or positively on the Washington community at large. What would have been unacceptable would be for you to have stated or inferred that such a band was local to the DC area or to have written something along the lines of one of our area’s acts or otherwise delusionally smug and self-congratulatory. In this instance, you were only smug, so as far as I’m concerned, we’re golden. Smugness, on the part of a Washingtonian, is to be expected.

Other instances where it is acceptable for DCist to make reference to Baltimore or its institutions:

Anything that occurs in Baltimore that is of vital or crucial importance in regards to Maryland politics. For instance, when either Ehrlich or O’Malley exploit Baltimore and our reputation in either of their campaigns for governor, I feel you are well within your rights to address such matters. You have approximately three million people within your media market area to which such matters are important. I am not completely unfair. I am sure there are instances when LAist addresses such matters that occur in the San Francisco area, and visa versa... and Austin and Houston as well. Use their practices as guidelines. As long as you attach some sort of “our neighbors to the north” amendment, you will never receive any bitching from my end.

Peter Angelos hating. You have every reason in the world to have a giant hate-on hard-on for Peter Angelos. So do we. Our reasons just happen to be different. Feel free to rhetorically piss in his mouth as often as you like.

These are give-yous on my part: Howard County and those parts of Anne Arundel County including Annapolis and parts south. If you are likely to find anymore than one Redskins or Nationals fan out of hundred people in an area that is considered a shared suburb of our metropolitan areas, I say you can have them. Any area that is likely to support one such person out of a hundred is dead to me anyway.

Otherwise, just do us both a favor and stay the f**k out.

Bitch, Whine, Repeat....

2006-10-04T01:30:00.000-04:00

It’s funny how when matters such as crime statistics arise, DCist could not possibly disassociate itself from Baltimore fast enough; such is when the Editor-In-Chief, Sommer Mathis, wrote this on September 19:

We [DC] had 195 murders in 2005, which comes to 35.4 per 100,000 citizens. That's actually down from 198 in 2004, but still higher per capita than all the states.

But how about cities like Detroit, New Orleans and Baltimore; traditional contenders for the "America's Murder Capital" moniker? Their crime rates are another story.

Yet, when they’re covering positives or see something in Baltimore that they would like to be associated with, they could not possibly lay claim to Baltimore any faster. Such as yesterday, when DCist wrote this about some band at the Ottobar or something*:

So, where you place yourself in the Landau/Rock 'n' Roll Future spectrum, then, might directly correlate to how much you like the Hold Steady. Last night at Ottobar in Baltimore, the fanboy and the critic in me kept coming back to those words and asking myself if it really could get any better than this.

Hmmm. I suppose we’re only “another story” sometimes. At least they went to the trouble of actually acknowledging that the Ottobar isn’t actually in DC, unlike their coverage of the Virgin Festival in Pimlico**. I suppose this exhibits some growth on their part.

Why does DCist do this? Well, the answer is obvious. Washingtonians love nothing more than pretending that they’re something they’re not. What they’re pretending to be in this instance is a Global City. Of course, it is impossible to pretend to be such a thing with their numbers. But if they pretend that Baltimore is in the Washington metropolitan area, then suddenly they’re representative of a market of 8.6 million people... unless, of course they’re talking about negatives associated with Baltimore... then all of a sudden they’re talking about a totally different place that they have nothing to do with. Never mind that they don’t represent anything to this city or our metropolitan area other than exemplifying everything that we despise.

Well, DCist, Washington, everything that is associated (which, incidentally, Baltimore is not), you should have gone with your original instinct. You have got to figure out your own city before you try to lay claim to this one. Trust me, it isn’t easy. Twenty years, thirty years... people spend they’re entire lives trying to understand this city, and in the end even the experts fall short. There are simply too many variables. You gotta live in and look at the ugly long and hard before the beauty reveals itself to you. Not that I think you’re interested, but I can assure you that you won’t be able to do it from DC. So don’t bother trying to eat your cake in have it too. If you don’t want our bad, you can’t have our good. Baltimore is too much of a mouth full for you. If you want to pretend to be a Global City, that’s on you. Don’t involve us in your delusion. We know what we are. The question is, do you know what you are?

* Completely don't give a shit about some show at the Ottobar, but that isn't the point.
** Again, not that I care at all about some worthless touring music festival

Aw, And You’ve Been Doing So Well Lately

2006-09-22T12:15:00.000-04:00

Under the heading “Morning Roundup...,” under a secondary header, “Briefly Noted:”

... In Baltimore, two men get life in prison for the murder of three small children ...

Are we your briefs? This should fall under a third header, “Has No Relevance to the People of DC:” Do you briefly note happenings in Philadelphia? Atlanta? You can wear your briefs, and we’ll wear ours.

Aw, now DCist Coeditor-In-Chief Martin Austermuhle is trying to be cute.

2006-08-14T10:39:00.000-04:00

In an post addressing the first four of 48 planned surveillance cameras in Washington, Austermuhle points to an article in the Washington Times indicating that such cameras are ineffective in fighting crime, siting the failure of such cameras in Baltimore. Arguably true, I suppose. But, in typically smug fashion, mostly in reference to this little insignificant troll blog, he thought it would be cute to refer to Baltimore as “our northern-most suburb,...”

Of course, lick my ass, Martin. Stretch that lacerating, serpent’s tongue of yours out and give my rectum a good once-over, please. If all it takes is one big-ol’ jerk-face such as myself to put together a page like this to expose your complete and utter contempt for a metropolitan area, one which you seem so willing to claim as a suburb, than perhaps I was not so wrong-headed after all.

Fine, for you Martin, I’ll provide for you the varied designations for a Metropolitan Area, a Metropolitan Statistical Area, Consolidated and Primary Metropolitan Statistical Area and a Central City as defined by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Metropolitan Area

The general concept of a metropolitan area (MA) is one of a large population nucleus, together with adjacent communities that have a high degree of economic and social integration with that nucleus. Some MAs are defined around two or more nuclei.

As Baltimore and Washington have only minimal economic ties and absolutely no social integration, by definition, these two cities are not in the same metropolitan area. Incidentally, the federal Office of Management and Budget (OMB) does in fact officially categorize the Baltimore-Towson Metropolitan Area and the Washington-Arlington-Alexandria, DC-VA-MD-WV Metropolitan Area as two separate entities. Regardless of the number of nuclei, Baltimore’s economy is only minimaly related and its culture is unrelated to Washington’s, and this is officially recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Metropolitan Statistical Area

Metropolitan statistical areas (MSAs) are metropolitan areas (MAs) that are not closely associated with other MAs. These areas typically are surrounded by nonmetropolitan counties (county subdivisions in New England).

Again, officially, according to Office of Management and Budget (OMB), these are two separate entities, even in light of the broader definition.

Consolidated and Primary Metropolitan Statistical Area

If an area that qualifies as a metropolitan area (MA) has more than one million people, two or more primary metropolitan statistical areas (PMSAs) may be defined within it. Each PMSA consists of a large urbanized county or cluster of counties (cities and towns in New England) that demonstrate very strong internal economic and social links, in addition to close ties to other portions of the larger area. When PMSAs are established, the larger MA of which they are component parts is designated a consolidated metropolitan statistical area (CMSA). CMSAs and PMSAs are established only where local governments favor such designations for a large MA.

“CMSAs and PMSAs are established only where local governments favor such designations for a large MA.” Officially, no such designation exists; so officially, according to the federal Office of Management and Budget, I can tell you to check for polyps while you’re down there.

And finally:

Central City

In each metropolitan statistical area and consolidated metropolitan statistical area, the largest place and, in some cases, additional places are designated as "central cities" under the official standards. A few primary metropolitan statistical areas do not have central cities. The largest central city and, in some cases, up to two additional central cities, are included in the title of the metropolitan area (MA); there also are central cities that are not included in an MA title. An MA central city does not include any part of that place that extends outside the MA boundary.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, even though Baltimore is larger than Washington, Baltimore cannot consider Washington to be its suburb. This is fine. Baltimore would never be so smug, self-important or arrogant as to make such an obnoxious claim. Of course, not all Central Cities in this no longer federally recognized Consolidated Metropolitan Statistical Area view the world in the same way as Baltimore.

Pity. But we do have a chip on our shoulders. I guess we all have our flaws.

Ist-ycophants

2006-07-27T14:36:00.001-04:00

Loving it! DCist Coeditor-in-chief, Martin Andre Austermuhle, an old-soul Washingtonian “by way of Switzerland, Colombia, Mexico, Venezuela, and the thriving mecca of State College, Pa,” in a roundabout attempt to insult me, inadvertently made my day by missing his mark, insulting the entire city of Baltimore instead.

Linking and posting on a page where a graphic Ist-ycophant created Ist logos for various make believe cities, Mr. Austermuhle closed his post by mentioning “DCist may be de-centralizing a little soon and going ultra-local -- MoCoist, Fairfaxist, Nearlingtonist, Farlingtonist, and Baltimorist are but a few ideas we've tossed around. And PrinceWilliamCountyist. Obvs.”

I’m at a bit of a loss, and to quote Sommer Mathis, “super-curious,” as to how exactly it is supposed to be insulting to me when DCist constantly reaffirms my original point by claiming Baltimore, a city larger than its own and outside its metropolitan area, as being part of its “ultra-local” sphere of influence. Perhaps I cannot see the forest from the trees, and would need the outside perspective of not actually being from the region to understand Baltimore’s proper place.

“Obvs,” those in DC and its metropolitan area love the Ironic Sans; but in this metropolitan area, we live sans irony. Not that there is anyway they could know that.

The Hate, The Love, The Comments

2006-07-20T06:14:00.000-04:00

Here are a few choice comments (with my replies) from the DCist post about my hating:

Adams Morgan | July 18, 2006 04:22 PM:

As a Baltimoron by birth and Washingtonian till death, I take exception to this! Charm City and Chocolate City are two vastly different places and can each be loved and appreciated for their own unique reasons....Baltimore shouldn't hate DC and DC shouldn't hate Baltimore, let's find a common enemy (Philadelphia? Columbia, Md?) and join our forces for good, not evil.

Why would I have a hate on for Philadelphia? Philadelphia is a great town. The best Baltimore Club music is coming out of Philly, and they’re respectful enough to throw the credit where it is due. Columbia? I’m not going to waste my ire on a bedroom community for being a bedroom community. Oh my God! Stable schools for growing families! The horror!. Besides, DC, or at least the part that “matters,” is just a big Columbia anyway. The rich are richer, the poor are poorer; but otherwise, they’re pretty much the same thing. Columbia is where snotty young transient Washingtonians eventually go to be grown-ups.

chrisafer | July 18, 2006 04:38 PM:

The photo used for that blog's header is brilliant!

vor | July 18, 2006 04:47 PM:

The photo used for that blog's header is brilliant!

Yeah. I thought that was pretty much the only funny part of that movie.

Thanks, Chrisafer. Vor, sadly, I agree. Too bad Sommer Mathis didn’t even get it. Pity, seeing how she is a regional expert and all.

bwm | July 18, 2006 04:48 PM:

Does DCistGoHome ask itself lots of questions? Yes. Does DCistGoHome answer said questions? You bet. Does DCistGoHome take shit from DCist? FUCK NO, BITCHES!

Crab cakes and football, my man...

bwm, are you mocking me or praising me? If you are mocking me, do I think you are funny? Yes! Kudos to you, my man...

.j. | July 18, 2006 04:55 PM:

why can't we all just get along? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baltimore-Washington_Metropolitan_Area

just kidding. i hate baltimore too.

Heh. That’s okay, .j. Hate, obviously, is A-OK by me. As long as DCers don’t presume that we are theirs to look down upon, I’m aces with you.

md | July 18, 2006 04:58 PM

Generally I got your back DCist, and maybe Oaklandist comming first makes sense (at least it is debatable), but Newarkist and East St. Louisist before Baltimoreist, come on. That is just plain wrong. It makes you look like a stuck up elitist and only perpetuates the negative stereotype of DC people that probably got DCist go home all fired up in the first place. Maybe you had too much coffee today, but please reel in the rheetoric.

Stereotypes had nothing to do with it. I’m basing my assessment entirely on the content found on the pages of DCist.

Obviously, I was goading DCist to respond and give the editors an opportunity to show their true colors. Sommer Mathis, in her elitist transient glory, didn’t disappoint.

And, no, I don’t think all Washingtonians are elitist transient scum. Some of my best friends are Washingtonains (heh). Many Washingtonians actually understand the region and the cultural boundaries. Some of these may hate Baltimore, some may like Baltimore, and some may be completely indifferent to Baltimore. I can respect all of these positions. But it takes a special kind of rat fuck to come here from the other side of the country and after only a couple of years presume DC is the preeminent dominate cultural force of the lower mid-Atlantic region. DC, or at least the white part, is an island of transience with no particular connection to anybody or anywhere. It is a big Columbia. DC has no more claim Baltimore cultural institutions than, say, Beirut has to Haifa.

DCist Sommer | July 18, 2006 04:59 PM

In case it's not clear, I really don't hate Baltimore at all. Seems like who live there like it and all. I just think this DCist Go Home thing is too funny not to mock.

I think you made it quite clear EXACTLY how you feel about Baltimore. Hate? Perhaps not. Hate would imply some degree of respect. Are you contemptuous of Baltimore? Yes. Do you presume some claim to Baltimore institutions in your coverage on DCist? Absolutely. You can’t be dismissive of Baltimore “and all” and try to be inclusive at the same time. Who the fuck cares what you think? You think Baltimore is all about some aquarium, a stadium and condescendingly saying the word “Hon.” You know nothing of the region outside your Northwest bubble. You’re just some cow from LA.

GhettoBurbs | July 18, 2006 05:06 PM

There's no need to hate on something so small and insignificant.

As long as you’re willing to own your feelings, I can’t really hold it against you. Of course, you comment anonymously; but this is an anonymous blog, so who am I to judge?

internet special olympics | July 18, 2006 05:07 PM

Oh good lord. Baltimore and DC are completely different cities, they just happen to coexist in the same geographical area. DCistGoHome, stop whining and learn basic grammar. DCist, let sleeping cities lie or whatever. Seriously, troll blogs last approx. 5 secs in web time, so let the creators get their panties in a wad for the afternoon and then let them move on to a more deserving target.

BTW, I'd read Baltimoreist. Someone get on that idea!

My target is deserving, I can assure you. But, yes, this page should only last for about approx. 5 secs in web time.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; I think the idea of a Baltimorist is lame. I think any Ist outside the original context of a New York blog is lame. Any other Ist is just a franchise. Baltimore already has a similar entity that is a hell of a lot older than Gothamist. Lord knows it has its flaws, but at least it is home grown and not just slobbing on New York’s knob.

CDTrave | July 18, 2006 05:40 PM

Isn't Baltimore the city whose primary airport has the word Washington in it? Meanwhile we have two of our own without any mention of our northern neighbor. I think that evidence alone settles this debate.

Biting wit, CDTrave. I bet you are a fascinating date.

This comment caused a few replies arguing about airport names. Losers, the bunch of them.

But this one was funny:

TC the Terrible | July 18, 2006 10:17 PM

"Isn't Baltimore the city whose primary airport has the word Washington in it? Meanwhile we have two of our own without any mention of our northern neighbor. I think that evidence alone settles this debate."

Ouch. Damn. Score. Somebody just got served, and it wasn't Voltron.

Heh.

chiclet | July 18, 2006 10:57 PM

everyone has that freak-cousin we like to have around because they make us look better. that's baltimore! woot! thanks, bmore:)

Call me a self hater, but I actually loved this one.

sessone | July 19, 2006 12:27 AM

the best thing about philly??? its not baltimore.

If you’re from Philly, I feel betrayed. Okay, I don’t really, but no more Spank Rock for you. If you’re not from Philly, than from both of us, kiss our asses.

vor | July 19, 2006 01:14 AM

...does DCist really have enough Baltimore content to justify an entire blog dedicated to responding to DCist's coverage of Baltimore?

An “entire” blog ain’t much. Recently, DCist has been giving me, on average, one to three opportunities a week to be a total bitch. This wee little blog has two intended audiences, the editors of DCist (so I can get under their skin), and the Blogtimore community (so I can give them a cheap laugh). I don’t suspect DCist will be throwing me many bones for the next couple of weeks, and the three they gave me this week really weren’t much to work with; but I’ll still be stopping by every day to see if there is any opportunity for me to have a little fun. I will be fair; but if I catch a whiff of slight, than I’ll be just as obnoxious as ever.

leaf | July 19, 2006 09:09 AM

The smack and syphilis is much more available for my dollar in Charm City.

Wisen up people: The true enemies are planned communities like Reston and Columbia

On the first point, I liked it. On the second, DC is a planned community.

Hill Rat | July 19, 2006 09:36 AM

I started a blog just so I could add a comment mocking dcistgohome.

Yes, you did. Here the your pearl of brilliance:

HillRatDC said...

I live on Capitol Hill and I can be at Camden Yards in the same amount of time it takes me to get to Potomac Mills. Sounds like a DC suburb to me

That’s it?! That’s all you have?! You registered a blogger account to say THAT?! Your mockery sucks. That was the three inch flaccid penis of put downs. I can see why you went back to your mommy to show off that you fried my ass. I’m sure she’s very proud. Maybe she’ll take you shopping for a new sucker at Potomac Mills.

Dan | July 19, 2006 11:23 AM

I love how his links still read "Google News", "Edit me" and "Edit me".

Always the sign of a well-done blog.

See my opinion of put down above.

Fine. For you, I’ll edit my blogroll.

Before:

After:

Happy now, Dan? Incidently, there is no such thing as “a well-done blog” that uses a blogspot subdomain. This not having a not well-done blogroll doesn’t bother me one whit. What’s your excuse? At least now I have a buddy on my blogroll. Wanna be my MySpace pal?

Posted by: Bos | July 19, 2006 11:51 AM

Yes, "having some money" has always been synonymous with "uncool."

I will think of the poor Baltimorians tonight as I watch the Wire on my flat-screen tonight.

Way to represent, Bos. An honest to goodness flat-screen moving picture box, huh? Wow. Can I give you head?

After this, there was just a bunch of crap with commenters bickering over whether or not they hate Columbia. Apparently, surrounding yourself with a other transients and chain stores in the suburbs is totally different than doing the exact same thing in Northwest. Oh, and they complain a lot about how much they hate chains, ON DCist. Whatever.

Sommer Days

2006-07-18T23:29:00.000-04:00

Sommer Mathis, Coeditor-In-Chief of DCist was kind enough to address this blog yesterday on DCist.. She pointed out that I did in fact use laughably poor grammar in my header. On this, she was correct. I consider myself stung. I tip my hat to you, Miss Mathis. My header has been corrected. Thank you.

Miss Mathis, you were also kind enough to respond to my concerns. Before we get into this, I think I should pull up your profile, just so we’ll all have a better understanding of where you, as Coeditor-In-Chief of DCist, were coming from when you explained to me Baltimore’s relationship, not only to Washington, but to our nation at large.

Since fleeing Los Angeles and the shallow world of the television industry to help make high-minded social documentaries in D.C., Sommer finds herself occasionally sneaking an Us Weekly into her shopping cart at the Giant in Shaw. Feel free to shame her the next time you see her. Covert grocery store behavior aside, Sommer thinks D.C. is the perfect city for her, and doesn't miss the West Coast much at all (except for the weather). Before she started blogging and documenting, Sommer was a barista, a valet, a writer and editor, a transcriber of romance novels, a house sitter, and a prop department coordinator. She also enjoys wearing sweaters, drinking bourbon, and falling asleep with the TV on.

Oh, so you are from Los Angeles? Hmmm. Not a bad town, really. Of course, it’s no Long Beach, but you know me. And yes, I’m pointing this out for the most obvious of reasons. You know nothing of this region. Am I correct? No need to answer. I already know. I’m not really a big fan of people coming to this region and telling me what’s what after they’ve been here for, oh... say, a year or two... maybe three... four? How long has it been? We’ll get to that later.

Before you responded to my concerns in your bulleted list, you said “Yes, a blogger going by the moniker DCist Go Home has decided that we have no business mentioning Baltimore in any way, shape or form.” Actually, I said quite the opposite. I acknowledged that DC does sometimes have reason to mention events and venues that happen to occur in Baltimore. What I said was that when DCist happens to mention an event in Baltimore, it must take special care to ACTUALLY MENTION THAT SAID EVENT IS OCCURRING IN BALTIMORE, rather than implying that the event is occurring in the DC suburbs. It is important that you understand that Baltimore is not DC’s suburb. I know, I know, you disagreed with that; but we’ve already established that you know nothing of the region. You, according to your responses in on your bulleted list, consider Baltimore to be a DC suburb; but agan, we’ll get to that later.

The first bulleted response:

If Ist wants a Baltimore presence, than Ist must create a Baltimore presence (not that I think we'd be interested). Well, we are all corporate drones; that much is true. I'd say that if anyone in Baltimore is interested in starting Baltimorist, you should contact Jake Dobkin at jake (at) gothamist.com. I imagine they'll get you guys up and running sometime after Newarkist, Oaklandist, and East Saint Louisist.

If by “we” you meant DCist contributors and editors, than I’ll just have to take your word for it. I’ve only read your profile. As I was specifically pointing out readership, I’m going to assume you were as well. Now, I’m no expert on DC, but I suspect that the majority of Washingtonians are not actually corporate drones. Maybe only the people who matter in DC are the corporate drones? Which people are those, exactly? And what is the converse of those people? Are they the sort of people who populate Newark, Oakland, East Saint Louis and Baltimore? Which people are those, exactly? Honestly, I have no idea where you are going with that. I'll take the high road and assume you were talking about poor people. I was just saying people in Baltimore don’t like franchises. Baltimore already has a page similar to an Ist. It isn’t exactly the same, but it is very close. As an expert on the region and as a Coeditor-In-Chief of a major regional blog, I’m sure you’re already familiar with it. What is it called again? I can’t remember.

The second bulleted response:

There are times when the editors of Washington’s Ist opts to treat Baltimore as DC’s red headed step-suburb. Other times, Baltimore is treated with contemptible disdain. Dude, you clearly have no idea how much time we spend chatting about The Wire, John Waters films and Homicide: Life on the Streets. I mean, those things exemplify Charm City perfectly, right hon?

Oh, you enjoy our crime dramas and working class transvestites? That is SOOOOO inclusive of you. I feel so honored. There is a big difference between us enjoying these crime dramas and Waters films. Our enjoyment comes from a sense of empathy, you watch them as an outside observer, just like when you were in Los Angeles.

But wait a second, I said “Other times, Baltimore is treated with contemptible disdain...” to which you responded “I mean, those things exemplify Charm City perfectly, right hon?”

Let’s repeat that paragraph, just for fun!

But wait a second, I said “Other times, Baltimore is treated with contemptible disdain...” to which you responded “I mean, those things exemplify Charm City perfectly, right hon?”

Don’t say “hon,” darlin. There is no way for an outsider to say “hon” without it dripping with “contemptible disdain.” And who says Hon, again? I know I can’t get away with saying it. I’m not from the right neighborhoods. Which neighborhoods are those, exactly? I mean, Baltimore is your suburb. You should know, right?

The third bulleted response:

When it suits their purpose, they’ll occasionally claim Baltimore culture and institutions as being part of their own. We're not sure we know what you mean. The D.C. Metro area has fantastic local food traditions, great stadiums, and a wonderful aquarium. You know, because Baltimore has them, and Baltimore is, of course, just part of the D.C. Metro area.

I’m going to assume you’re being sarcastic, as DC has no food traditions, as of yet no “great stadiums” (not that I care about that) or some tourist venue in the harbor. Actually, I doubt the first is true. I’m sure DC does actually have it’s own food traditions, as well as its own vernacular distinctions. Not that anybody has ever heard of them, as they belong to the majority of Washingtonians that nobody knows anything about, because they don’t seem to matter. Maybe I can read up on that stuff in DCist, but probably not. But I guess that isn’t important, as you can just ship those in, just like you do with your white collar labor force. That is what makes a city great, isn’t it?

And the final bulleted response:

Hopefully, this troll blog will quickly die, and never have any need to be updated. Noooooo! We hope to keep hearing from you for years to come.

How ironic. I want this blog to die, and you want it to live. Oh, but one of us was being sarcastic and the other wasn’t. But which was which? I’m so confused. In the end, I have a strong feeling we’re both going to get what we actually want.

And Miss Mathis, I think DC is the perfect city for you too.

Well, This Should Entertain Me for a Couple of Days or So

2006-07-18T19:33:00.004-04:00

DCist just responded to this blog. This should be fun.

First, I have to give credit where credit is due. I used a “you’re” when I should have used a “your” in the header. DCist called me out for this. There is no way to recover gracefully from such an idiotic error. I guess that’s what you get for when you build a page in under four minutes. That isn’t much of a defense, but that error itself is impossible to defend. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. I also like the hata graphic.

I’ll probably have something more clever to say about all this tomorrow, but for now I’ll just share a couple of their bulleted responses:

If Ist wants a Baltimore presence, than Ist must create a Baltimore presence (not that I think we'd be interested). Well, we are all corporate drones; that much is true. I'd say that if anyone in Baltimore is interested in starting Baltimorist, you should contact Jake Dobkin at jake (at) gothamist.com. I imagine they'll get you guys up and running sometime after Newarkist, Oaklandist, and East Saint Louisist.

and...

When it suits their purpose, they’ll occasionally claim Baltimore culture and institutions as being part of their own. We're not sure we know what you mean. The D.C. Metro area has fantastic local food traditions, great stadiums, and a wonderful aquarium. You know, because Baltimore has them, and Baltimore is, of course, just part of the D.C. Metro area.

Sweet! Not the Baltimorist part, that would be more asinine than my “your”/“you’re” fuck up. I could make a point about DC constantly hogging on New York’s dog, but that would be too easy (...for now. In all honesty, I probably will mention that tomorrow.) I like the part where you just did all my work for me:

“...Newarkist, Oaklandist, and East Saint Louisist.”

Good stuff. I guess you don’t respect us after all.

DUH!

The comments on the DCist page are already pretty entertaining. I’m getting a little hate. Baltimore is getting a little hate. Baltimore is getting a little love. This is all pretty much exactly what I was expecting. I think at least one person has already articulated that DCist just proved my point.

More tomorrow. I have to go fix that header.

V at P ain’t in DC

2006-07-18T06:20:00.000-04:00

DCist, “a website about the Washington, D.C. area and everything that happens there,” reports on the official date and lineup of V Fest. Mentions the venue will be at Pimlico. Fails to point out that Pimlico is actually in the heart of an entirely different metropolitan area than their own.

Is V Fest of interest for Washington area readers? Yes. Should DCist be mentioning such an event? Sure. Does DC have a right to claim northwest Baltimore as being within the DC area? No. I feel like the moon surface, with an astronaut stabbing a DC flag into my back, complete with MTV soundtrack.

If Ist wants a Baltimore presence, than Ist must create a Baltimore presence (not that I think we'd be interested). The Northeast Corridor Megalopolis is composed of five independent cities with metropolitan areas in access of two million people; Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington. Never mind the fact that Baltimore is and always has been larger than DC. Perhaps Baltimore isn’t classy enough for Ist? Fine. Than Baltimore should be considered an Ist free zone.

Partially to DCist’s credit, another contributor, “DCist Andrew,” points out that the event is taking place in the area of “our neighbor to the north.”

Oh! And the event is supposed to be pricey. The author recommends that Washington readers forego “Starbucks for a few months” to cover the costs.

Starbucks... DCist... Heh.

From Today’s Morning Roundup:

2006-07-17T11:03:00.001-04:00

From Today’s Morning Roundup:

Area Towns Experiment With Branding: Is a town's appeal in its brand? Apparently so, according to the Post. Several towns in the region have been experimenting with branding as a way to attract new residents and visitors, such as Fredricksburg, Va., which spent $110,000 for an ad agency to brand the town "Timeless." The result? A 22 percent increase in traffic to its website and 58 percent increase in phone inquiries. Then again, Baltimore's "Get In On It" (which cost the city $500,000) hasn't be as popular or effective.

Has it be? Is “Get In On It” an embarrassing joke for us? Yes. Are we one of DC’s area "towns"? No.

The Washington Post's article in question was about Washington area towns and their efforts at rebranding. Baltimore's "Get In On It" was cited as an example of "city" rebranding that went horribly horribly wrong. The DCist post implies that Baltimore is a Washington area town.

We Are Hosting A Suburban Washington Restaurant Week

2006-07-13T15:50:00.000-04:00

As the author of this post meant no ill will, and as she is recommending that Washingtonians spend their half earned government green here, I’m at a bit of a loss as to how I should treat posts such as this.

The post in question, Belly Up for Restaurant Week(s), informs DCist’s readers that Washington has three restaurant weeks to enjoy this summer. Of course, there is the main event in DC from August 14-20; but also the suburban versions. First in Bethesda-Chevy Chase from July 17-23 and Baltimore from July 24-28.

Okay, she didn’t say “suburban.” Like I said, the author expressed no ill will. She did strongly recommend that the readers take the train. Part of me agrees with this, as driving all the way from one city to the other is too much to deal with for an insanely crowded restaurant and a discounted meal. One of the problems with this recommendation is that only one of the restaurants mentioned is within walking distance of Penn Station. The round trip cab fare for most of the other restaurants would be between 30 and 40 dollars, negating any benefit from the restaurant discount. It was also not mentioned that the last train back to DC leaves at 10:05, so they better make their reservations early and hope there is no wait for a table.

And there was something about checking out the “hip kids eating comfort foods” at the faux-Hon tourist trap, Café Hon, where the servers are forced to attach a “hon” to the end of their sentences before handing you a check and sending you on your way past the Hon themed overpriced Baltimore souvenirs. Do Hampsters eat at Café Hon? And if they do, does anyone actually want to watch them eat?

Again, the author meant no ill will and the post was well meaning enough; but the problem is Washington and their Ist simply is not familiar enough with the subject to adequately give their readers recommendations in this city without trapping them after the last train leaves, sticking them with a huge, cost prohibitive taxi bill and sending them to a tourist trap to watch faux-hipster faux-hampdenites eat comfort foods in their natural environment.

But yes, please come. Spend your money. Come early, and more importantly, leave early.